Time was ticking away and I was riding the rush of fear and excitement of chasing the deadline.
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THE MICHAEL MYERS KILLER WORKOUT
How stupid would it be if he ruptured his L4-L5 disc while bending over to pick up his knife?
Two Girls One Cup – Scat Lit At Killercon!
Sharon pooped. Then, Elizabeth pooped. Then, Sharon pooped again, ensuring the cup was overflowing.
Rick Pitino Starts Health Care Company
So how do you qualify for Rick Pitino’s Health Plan?
UNC Beats Duke, Commentary from Rickie V
“Hey everybody, Rickie V here, the illegitimate son of college basketball legend Dick Vitale!”
YouTube Red Making Biopic About Comedian Patrice O’Neal Starring EatDatPussy445
YouTube has picked popular vlogger EatDatPussy445 for the starring role.
Happy Govt Shutdown! Here’s a Free Book About Singularity ISIS Sharks & Trump Island
Great White House 2 is free for this week!
JOBS! JOBS, JOBS: Stormy Daniels Another Trumponomics Success Story
Breaking and Busting News!
Bitcoin Madness!
Everything you wanted to know about Bitcoin is here in this video!
The Greatest Noir About Jerking Off You’ll Ever Watch
One of the finest and funniest noir shorts we’ve seen this year.
Failed Stupid Fucking Ideas Con to Be Held at University of Florida
“Flat Earthers will be attending, along with Scientology and MGTOW who will do a joint panel on the evils of psychology.”
Congress Passes Bill That Members of MGTOW Cannot Be Sperm Donors
“MGOTW are upset and are lighting up the boards on 4Chan and try to start a care.org to get the bill overturned, but they lost focus when a leaked nude of Kaley Cucoco appeared on Reddit.”
DeVry University Offering MFA in Marketable Mediocre Poetry
Headed by Rupi Kaur and infamous Instagram Bro Poet Collin Yost
Saudi Arabia Driving Miss Daisy Remake Put on Hold
“The law is a sign of hope and progress for the citizens of Saudi Arabia day except for local film maker who lost his funding for the Saudi Arabia remake of Driving Miss Daisy remake.”
Melania Trump’s New Portrait Actually Headshot for New Law and Order: SVU Role
“I am honored to play the role of Lieutenant Olivia Benson on SVU”
Alexander Boldizar, Chaos, Harvard, and The Ugly
“I have a firm belief that sacred cows make the best hamburgers.”
HALLOWEEN SUBMISSIONS CALL
“CLASH wants your creepy stories!”
Letter to Stephen King from The American Adverb Association
Let’s just say right off the bat that we are deeply disappointed! Yes, us! And yes, “deeply” is the right word—it works to show exactly how disappointed we are.
Enough of Food Trends: Let Pizza Die
“Food trends occur every couple of years and frankly, they’re pretty damn obnoxious. Why? Because you have thousands of people acting like they adore food products slightly more than they actually do and I just can’t take it!”
KarmaSutraSensei’s Dating Ad
“You must be amazing because karma has blessed you with finding me.”
Copywriting Service: Bullshit on the Spot
“Our ghost-writing services have also been used for top-notch public figures: Justin Bieber, Paula Deen, Jared Kushner, Johnny Manziel, Paul Ryan, Anthony Weiner, and many more!”
Slim Jesus Will Be Speaking At The Republican Convention
“With an attempt to reach young people and please the donors of the NRA, The Republican Party will feature Slim Jesus speaking at their 2016 convention.”
The White Supremacist Werewolf Witches of Britain (Part 1)
“Mandy De Sandra exposes the truth behind Brexit.”
New Evolutionary Psychology Study Shows Men Who Send Sexual Private Messages on Facebook Are Least Likely To Reproduce
“The Evolutionary Psychology Department of Dartmouth published a peer-reviewed study on the sexual attractiveness and sexual experience of men who send Private Messages on Facebook. In the sample survey of the 1032 men selected, those who sent sexual messages and compliments to strangers were the least likely to reproduce.”
Charles “Chug Life” Donaldson’s Moby Dick Paper
“Moby Dick was way too long and talked way too much about whales (like, real ones, not the chicks in Alpha Phi), but it had an awesome theme I could relate to—brotherhood”
Cat Caught Drinking Out of Toilet, Flees Scene Humiliated – Reputation in Shambles
“…the elderly feline refused to comment.”
“If You Disagree With My Opinion Then UnFriend Me,” Says Pre-Teen Masquerading As an Adult
“A Facebook user, who shared a mildly political article from the High Times, was quoted as saying, “This is an outrage and I’ll tell you what, if you agree with this then unfriend me right now!”