I let each client unwittingly summon their own workout monster.
CLASH knows you’re creative, so let’s share that awesomeness with the world!
November marks the beginning of many people’s seasonal depression, but there are ways you can deal
How stupid would it be if he ruptured his L4-L5 disc while bending over to pick up his knife?
If in your first act someone speaks of the devil, then in the second the devil better rain brimstone down on everyone.
At least when shit hits the fan I’ll have tomatoes.
“More people need to wear a panda head when they do interviews.”
“It was a radtacular time.”
“These stories get under your skin.”
“The F word is used three times in the first three sentences.”
“Palahniuk is himself a member of the Cacophony Society.”
“She looked at me, my tiny jeans falling off of my concave stomach, and then wrote in my copy of the book, “Baby Steps.”
“Now we finally get our own supervillain.”
“If you think every other author out there is your enemy, you can go fuck yourself.”
“It felt much more like a conversation than a sort of performance of me-ness.”
Take a trip to the METAL side of LIT
“Being on this podcast made me feel like I fell into some weird Loony Tunes wormhole.”
“I felt okay about being charmless. I was going to eat ice-cream.”
“I was a religious little boy and thought Guns N’ Roses were nothing but sinners and going to hell.”
“I can’t untangle my queerness from my politics or my magickal practice.”
“Bet it feels good to smash up a toilet.”
“I picture myself as Lena Dunham with a beard.”
“When I finally decided to quit drinking I had anxiety about being alone.”
“I want to make shit happen.”
“No vampires, werewolves, and certainly no witches.”
“I fought so long to plant a flag in something that never should have been disputed territory.”
MAGIC HAPPENS EVERY DAY
“Every human being gets addicted to something.’
“Once he jumped on me while I was humping my pillow.”
“You can just imagine all those Chinese like a little army of yellow ants crawling over it, can’t you?”
“I visit old people in their homes and help them with daily tasks, like cooking and cleaning and bathing.”
“When I think of people with mustaches, I think of my dad, Burt Reynolds, and cowboys.”
“My heart is a dumpster fire.”
One of the earliest reviews I received said, “A full on satire of contemporary law as mesmerizing and complex as something lost from David Foster Wallace, yet as light in tone as A Confederacy of Dunces.” First I was flattered, thrilled, and then I thought, wait, didn’t both those guys kill themselves?
“My personal favorite character is a talking bathroom that literally fucks Kyle.”
“Bizarro is the Chaos Magick of literature.”
“We loved Kerouac’s Mexico City Blues and Enzo wanted to read the whole book out loud. It took a long time because we got very drunk.”
“You made all of this happen with your book,” one Twitter user scolded me.”
“I can already see the glazed over eyes of anyone who dares read this shit.”
“Titles such as Wall of Kiss, Mother Puncher, and Suicide Girls in the Afterlife grab your attention and make you wonder what kind of madness unfolds within those pages.”
“Imagine watching your ten-year old drawing chainsaw dicks.”
“Godzilla helped give me my moral compass.”
Danger Slater is a Bizarro writer who uses surrealism, dark humor, and a healthy dose of existential angst to create his stories.
“All of my tattoos are reflections, more or less, of visions.”
CLASH Media catches up with Constance Ann Fitzgerald and talks about her new book, Glue.
“I kinda wanna feel like I am being possessed by the ghost of Jackie O. I wanna feel like she’s talking to me and I wanna get kinda creeped out and tripped out about that.”
“Our abuelitas went to special masses and some of the nativity sets under our trees featured a baby Jesus that had slightly darker skin than the Jesus the gringos put under their tree.”
“Here are five cult Christmas films sure to bring something akin to holiday cheer to the perverts and creeps among us.”
“Whether you think Christmas is shit or Christmas is the shit, when you are Catalan, your Christmas is going to be full of shit. And I mean literally. And no, it doesn’t get that dirty (usually).”
“Welcome to Skin Stories, where I ask some of the most exciting voices in fiction to tell us the stories behind their tattoos.”
“I can’t stand most holidays. The idea of having to sit around with folks I spend most of the year trying to avoid out of social obligation always sets me on edge.”
“Myself and my two older sisters were never exactly Little Women but we did our best not to hate each other.”
“Amongst his many deific duties, Murray plays poet and maharishi to the various extraterrestrial corporate entities that run our universe. He keeps them merciful.”
“The bad thing is here and action will be required, so learn to focus your anger and use it for good.”
Author Christoph Paul gives his thoughts on the election.
“What a surreal time to be alive in all the history of the world and be who I am.”
This poem should at least get some Google hits.
“In the mid 1970s, record stores and radio stations around the country started receiving copies of a 12-inch single.”
“The first reported incident of death caused by the soda was in January of 2011.”
“I was trying to invoke Satan and accidentally invoked the ghost of Margaret Thatcher instead. Now she’s bugging me, telling me about how privatizations can help my country. How do I get rid of her?”
“If you stick a hotdog into a donut and 9 months later a Twinkie knocks on your door asking for it’s Dad… like is that cheating?”
“Dear Maddie, the fabric of my car’s interior takes me to the brink and back every time I drive. Can you offer any advice?”
“Dear Maddie, I’m not very good with words. How do I tell the woman in my basement she can never leave without upsetting her?”
“Dear Maddie, I am attracted to mannequins. Can you help me?”
“I don’t mean to piss on anyone’s solid foundation, but my misery comes from the projection of others’ values on my life. There’s no measuring stick for effective living aside from how many good moments you can have and share in a day.”
“Dear Maddie, I’m a happily married woman but I sometimes feel bored, like I’m missing out on life.”
“Dear Maddie, I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me. What should I do…?”