“Since the demon, or demons, are invisible it is nearly impossible to detect them in your food.”
“He ripped off McShay’s clothes and tossed them aside like they were worthless seventh-round picks as both men traded up into each others arms.”
In an apocalyptic Texas where you can get high drinking your own shadow, there lives a young shadow junkie named Murk. This is from Brian Allen Carr’s breakout novel, Sip.
“Hey everybody, Rickie V here, the illegitimate son of college basketball legend Dick Vitale!”
“Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the belief, that we are truly meant for someone, and it’s too late for that to happen.”
“Don’t you hate it when you’re a god, and you just want a sandwich from your favorite chicken joint, and you specify at the counter that you DO NOT WANT PICKLES on your sandwich.”
YouTube has picked popular vlogger EatDatPussy445 for the starring role.
Great White House 2 is free for this week!
Breaking and Busting News!
“When using The GrudenGrindr, you’ll work up quite an appetite, why not stop over at Hooters for their new Fire Island wings.”
“We talked about writing and faith, and I even got to show off my Lego art and played the guitar!”
“Krampus is the kind of mythological figure I can get behind.”
“No more CHRISTMAS SHIT for the rest of the night.”
“i like to paint. people seem to like them. win-win.”
“I paid the premium to sign off on everyday America because the manufactured rage of adulthood needs to be exorcised.”
Tax Cut Party 2017!!!
“I Will Buy You a New Life” is the most moving rock song of the 1990s about desperation and relationships.
One of the finest and funniest noir shorts we’ve seen this year.
“Flat Earthers will be attending, along with Scientology and MGTOW who will do a joint panel on the evils of psychology.”
“MGOTW are upset and are lighting up the boards on 4Chan and try to start a care.org to get the bill overturned, but they lost focus when a leaked nude of Kaley Cucoco appeared on Reddit.”
The writer and creator behind 90210, Younger, Sex & The City, and beloved Melrose Place once again faces a disappointing Nobel day.
LET’S GET WITCHY!
Headed by Rupi Kaur and infamous Instagram Bro Poet Collin Yost
“The law is a sign of hope and progress for the citizens of Saudi Arabia day except for local film maker who lost his funding for the Saudi Arabia remake of Driving Miss Daisy remake.”
“I know your mom stole your whole name from her favorite telenovela.”
“The bride told me I looked like shit. Then she laughed.”
“There are good hearted women in their thirties and their forties, working hard, having to wear jeans that don’t show their true selves.”
“Easily the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever been a part of.”
“This year’s winner for Best Actor. A man who is definitely easy to fuck, because literally nobody wants to.”
For twenty dollars, Trump stated, “We’ll send a picture of Melania still looking pretty hot for her age.”
“You have been very critical of anthologies paying in signed photographs. Why do you hate photography, Max?”
“I will recommend 5 books to prepare Martin Shkreli for his time in prison.”
Take a trip to the METAL side of LIT
“Being on this podcast made me feel like I fell into some weird Loony Tunes wormhole.”
“I was a religious little boy and thought Guns N’ Roses were nothing but sinners and going to hell.”
“Bet it feels good to smash up a toilet.”
“I am honored to play the role of Lieutenant Olivia Benson on SVU”
“I have a firm belief that sacred cows make the best hamburgers.”
“If you expend so much effort into being what other people desire it’ll leave you feeling empty.”
“When I think of people with mustaches, I think of my dad, Burt Reynolds, and cowboys.”
“My heart is a dumpster fire.”
One of the earliest reviews I received said, “A full on satire of contemporary law as mesmerizing and complex as something lost from David Foster Wallace, yet as light in tone as A Confederacy of Dunces.” First I was flattered, thrilled, and then I thought, wait, didn’t both those guys kill themselves?
“Bizarro is the Chaos Magick of literature.”
“You made all of this happen with your book,” one Twitter user scolded me.”
“Titles such as Wall of Kiss, Mother Puncher, and Suicide Girls in the Afterlife grab your attention and make you wonder what kind of madness unfolds within those pages.”
“Godzilla helped give me my moral compass.”
“I just chose the gutter to dwell in, and with what the world seems to be moving into, I think it’s a perfect place to assess and judge it.”
““Platform Edge” is an urban-surreal nightmare comedy centering around
the deranged, demented and disastrous lives of two wayward housemates.”
“Amongst his many deific duties, Murray plays poet and maharishi to the various extraterrestrial corporate entities that run our universe. He keeps them merciful.”
“You’ve seen the squat. The prayer hands. The effortless glow. This is the rap squat whispered about in ancient hip-hop lore. Many try, but few can pull it off.”
“To support his claims to well endowed-ness, Donald J Trump attempted to have a bigger dick, tattooed on his dick.”
“you not rrrh rot
dot n dot n dot per rot
dot n not n dot per
n dot chi cot n dot rrr ah
dot dot ki o ma gri a dot
dot ers a pa ta ko”
“I know what you’re thinking: why Kid Rock? Why not Limp Bizkit or Uncle Kracker or some other horrible nü-metal band scraped out of the armpit of the late 90s?”
“You ever watch them teen movies where the girl with glasses that acts like nerd becomes hot. I’m like the nerd girl of quarterbacks, but I ain’t ever going to get hot.”
Let’s just say right off the bat that we are deeply disappointed! Yes, us! And yes, “deeply” is the right word—it works to show exactly how disappointed we are.
“They’re fucking beautiful.
Size Five just like I like.
Better feet than Vinateri
has in the fourth quarter.”
“When Suicide Squad was announced there was a lot of fanfare and excitement surrounding the project.”
“Ted Cruz decided that he really doesn’t give a fuck about Donald Trump or the Republican Party because they are some mark-ass bitches.”
“Bad dancing skills at a club can make the coldness of the ice in her screwdriver or Bayberry Breeze travel all the way down to her vagina.”
“With an attempt to reach young people and please the donors of the NRA, The Republican Party will feature Slim Jesus speaking at their 2016 convention.”
“Durant declined to comment on why he chose cheat codes. Speculation says he could feel his fingers were not as flexible as they once were and the cheat codes could give him more time to focus on defense and passing.”
“Mandy De Sandra exposes the truth behind Brexit.”
“The Evolutionary Psychology Department of Dartmouth published a peer-reviewed study on the sexual attractiveness and sexual experience of men who send Private Messages on Facebook. In the sample survey of the 1032 men selected, those who sent sexual messages and compliments to strangers were the least likely to reproduce.”
“‘The Buddy System’ is the Illuminati of horror fiction”
“Moby Dick was way too long and talked way too much about whales (like, real ones, not the chicks in Alpha Phi), but it had an awesome theme I could relate to—brotherhood”
“In exciting publishing and video game news, the video game MFA vs NYC is now in post-production.”
“We shouldn’t stop at Ghostbusters. We aren’t misogynists or racists, we are film lovers. We want purity.”
“YouTube editor and comedian Harrison Jeffs has edited, quite possibly, the most amusing video on the internet this week.”
“Tell me, which do you favor, your fingers or your tongue?”
“If you stick a hotdog into a donut and 9 months later a Twinkie knocks on your door asking for it’s Dad… like is that cheating?”
“Danger Slater is the stand up comic of the Bizarro Fiction scene. He has googly eyes, a big heart, and a mind that is teeming with dark and forbidden secrets.”
“Seeing people supporting him,
it shocks me, it makes me numb.”
“Dear Maddie, I’m a happily married woman but I sometimes feel bored, like I’m missing out on life.”
“While many longtime Facebook users are complaining about the new “Like” options on Facebook, many entrepreneurial drug dealers are coming back to the social media site.”
“An unnamed source reported Lee be acting reckless, stating she’d taken 13 shots of Jim Beam whiskey off of a pair of stripper’s titties. Lee was 89 years old.”
“Homophobic pasta giant Barilla will now being using Scalia’s blood for their brand new sauce: Antonin & Eve.”
“CLASH Books has a put on a revised second edition of Great White House. It coincides with the March 10 release of Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. “
“Dieting was really hurting our sex life. Then we discovered the miracle of Hydroxycut Gummies.”
“It’s almost as if the authors, publishing houses, and websites in this circle are eating the feces of their neighbors, digesting them, shitting them out, and feeding them to the next person like an oval human centipede.”
“Below is a leaked transcript from the New Jersey 3rd Circuit Court. It is a conversation of a 3 man chat room group: New Jersey JuggalosB4Hoes. This conversation contains very offensive material and Clash Media does not support these sentiments or the Juggalos.”
“Evangelicals decided that a Pedophile Vampire who was also a Christian best represented their values.”
“I took these hoes to the Denny’s bathroom. I started singing for these tricks, serenading these hoes as they gave me all the pussy and they even licked my balls.”
“An open dialogue with the many forces that brought this issue to the fore, what it means to the future of our entertainment industry.”
“Last night the lifeless body of God was found on the floor of its apartment in the Sagittarius arm, near the center of the milk way galaxy.”
“…the elderly feline refused to comment.”
“Once upon a time in a magical place named New Jersey there was a young woman named Jane. She had pretty blond hair and liked to drink magical juice that made her forget how boring College was: a place where people read magical books to make their brains bigger…”
“A Facebook user, who shared a mildly political article from the High Times, was quoted as saying, “This is an outrage and I’ll tell you what, if you agree with this then unfriend me right now!”