Those are my muthafuckin’ turkey giblets for my muthafuckin’ mouth!!!
Do they more than whisper?
How stupid would it be if he ruptured his L4-L5 disc while bending over to pick up his knife?
Halloween is coming. The time of year when we take our worst fears and transform them into cute dancing skeletons, fake blood fountains, plastic tombstones with puns on them, and sexy-scary costumes of vampires and lingerie kitties.
Just wanna be left with my brood
to snuggle and cuddle and chew
Sharon pooped. Then, Elizabeth pooped. Then, Sharon pooped again, ensuring the cup was overflowing.
“The Pre-Order Personalized Signed Copy will be limited to 200 which can be purchased on the CLASH Books site.”
It’s almost Buddhist – her detachment and rejection of material, hedonistic pursuits.
Maybe it started as an obligation to the U.S. government, but I’d like to think our relationship has progressed beyond that.
At least when shit hits the fan I’ll have tomatoes.
The term “genius” gets thrown around a lot but I definitely feel Chelsea Martin is genius as fuck.
Wait till you hear the unintelligible shit show of my real life.
“We met at a village cantina, and shit got deep the more rum we consumed.”
“Comedy is laughing so the werewolves won’t tear you apart.”
“There are plenty of zines and lit sites that give authors a platform to talk about their favorite seltzer water and convince everyone they use a typewriter, which is great and all, but that’s not what this is.”
“Don’t you hate it when you’re a god, and you just want a sandwich from your favorite chicken joint, and you specify at the counter that you DO NOT WANT PICKLES on your sandwich.”
YouTube has picked popular vlogger EatDatPussy445 for the starring role.
Get your Tight 15 ready
“We talked about writing and faith, and I even got to show off my Lego art and played the guitar!”
“Krampus is the kind of mythological figure I can get behind.”
“One woman even has a demon dog named Cerberus come out of her backside chomping away at her opponents. Hip Whip Girl forever!”
“No more CHRISTMAS SHIT for the rest of the night.”
Ghosts trying to get laid, an “erotic” burning bush, forbidden love between sea monsters and more fill this collection of Torah-influenced bizarro, horror, and pulp fiction. You gotta dig any book that has a recipe for a skinhead-killing Golem.”
“I don’t remember any of this. To be clear, my lack of memory is because of the Xanax.”
One of the finest and funniest noir shorts we’ve seen this year.
“Flat Earthers will be attending, along with Scientology and MGTOW who will do a joint panel on the evils of psychology.”
If you do not like this video please do not unfollow CLASH Media.
“This movie is OUT THERE. It is dark and funny and to top it all, it is a musical.”
New episode of The Passion of the Christoph, talking football, politics, racism, and Dante from Clerks.
“You look exactly like your Facebook photos, and it’s making my stomach all mushy.”
“I know your mom stole your whole name from her favorite telenovela.”
“The bride told me I looked like shit. Then she laughed.”
“Easily the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever been a part of.”
“Aliens don’t give a fuck about you.”
“If you watch this and don’t get turned on you are officially a corpse.”
Jason Voorheesberg takes a break from killing Vermont Hippies and reviews the books: Now That We’re Alone by Nicholas Day, White Trash Gothic by Edward Lee, Spermjackers From Hell by Christine Morgan.
“Who is sexier Brad Pitt or a T-Rex?”
“This year’s winner for Best Actor. A man who is definitely easy to fuck, because literally nobody wants to.”
“I will recommend 5 books to prepare Martin Shkreli for his time in prison.”
“There is the bizarre, there is the stupid, and somewhere in between those two things is Uncle Rich.”
We we’re already a fan of Mike Lombardo’s for his humor and his horror films. Now we are a fan of his comics.
You were published this past year by Lazy Fascist Press. What was it like working with the alt-right?
“Actually, I’m a Pisces. A sad, aging emo boy in a sad, aging emo world.”
“We all smelled bad and dressed sloppy acted like we hated the place.”
“My friends were all hood rats.”
Take a trip to the METAL side of LIT
“Being on this podcast made me feel like I fell into some weird Loony Tunes wormhole.”
“I felt okay about being charmless. I was going to eat ice-cream.”
“I was a religious little boy and thought Guns N’ Roses were nothing but sinners and going to hell.”
“Bet it feels good to smash up a toilet.”
“I am honored to play the role of Lieutenant Olivia Benson on SVU”
“Every human being gets addicted to something.’
“Once he jumped on me while I was humping my pillow.”
“I visit old people in their homes and help them with daily tasks, like cooking and cleaning and bathing.”
“When I think of people with mustaches, I think of my dad, Burt Reynolds, and cowboys.”
“My heart is a dumpster fire.”
“Hardcore fart song, bro. I liked it.”
After a year hiatus from The Passion of the Christoph Podcast, Christoph returns for a solo show
“I can already see the glazed over eyes of anyone who dares read this shit.”
“Imagine watching your ten-year old drawing chainsaw dicks.”
“2016 was an ugly year. Here to save the day are the brave men and women of Twitter who were a ray of sunshine during that dark period in human history because 2017 isn’t looking much brighter.”
“I just chose the gutter to dwell in, and with what the world seems to be moving into, I think it’s a perfect place to assess and judge it.”
Danger Slater is a Bizarro writer who uses surrealism, dark humor, and a healthy dose of existential angst to create his stories.
““Platform Edge” is an urban-surreal nightmare comedy centering around
the deranged, demented and disastrous lives of two wayward housemates.”
“Here are five cult Christmas films sure to bring something akin to holiday cheer to the perverts and creeps among us.”
“Amongst his many deific duties, Murray plays poet and maharishi to the various extraterrestrial corporate entities that run our universe. He keeps them merciful.”
“Entertain us with your Christmas traditions and recollections.”
“Around Christmas time I would have to set up The Singing Santa next to the lube.”
“Platform Edge” is an urban-surreal nightmare comedy centering around the deranged, demented and disastrous lives of two wayward housemates.”
“I try to meditate on talking bats and planets made of chocolate as much as possible, so that my ratio of bizarre to boring will tip further into the strange.”
“I didn’t realize how out of shape I was until I tried running a mile.”
“you not rrrh rot
dot n dot n dot per rot
dot n not n dot per
n dot chi cot n dot rrr ah
dot dot ki o ma gri a dot
dot ers a pa ta ko”
“CLASH wants your creepy stories!”
“Look, I’ve read a great French author named Marquis de Sade. 120 Days of Sodom. So I know what’s up.”
Atlanta is for us.
It shows what it is to be young, gifted, broke, and most importantly, Black.
“Fight Club is a story of a man’s journey to finally being able to commit to a woman”
“BONED is a sexy, strange, and heartfelt story about fighting for what you love, no matter how insane the obstacles and how bizarre the stakes.”
“I know what you’re thinking: why Kid Rock? Why not Limp Bizkit or Uncle Kracker or some other horrible nü-metal band scraped out of the armpit of the late 90s?”
“Me and The DC Mandingos we got a gangbang going on tonight; it is with some old white woman in Bethesda. We’re gonna film it. You should come, man; there’s going to be pizza.”
“I didn’t know who the hell this Brian guy was, but I did want to fuck her.”
“Food trends occur every couple of years and frankly, they’re pretty damn obnoxious. Why? Because you have thousands of people acting like they adore food products slightly more than they actually do and I just can’t take it!”
“They’re fucking beautiful.
Size Five just like I like.
Better feet than Vinateri
has in the fourth quarter.”
“She looked at me and said, “You guys actually don’t suck. And you remind me of Billy Corgan, but with hair. Do you have any pot?”
“This is a going-away party. So, please: Go away.”
“The Joker would probably just say, ‘Fuck you,’ and hang up.”
“While the film was generally entertaining, it really offered some genuinely head scratching moments…”
“DIRTY’S GUIDE TO CLEAN LIVING AND BROOKLYN ZOOING…”
“Perv #2: So, who is this Anna Karenina bitch? Does she like the D?”
“Ted Cruz decided that he really doesn’t give a fuck about Donald Trump or the Republican Party because they are some mark-ass bitches.”
“After publicly speaking out against Ghostbusters and Paul Feig last week–which resulted in being blocked by the Ghostbusters director on Twitter–The Cinematologist is back this week with a review for the remake/reboot of the 1984 Ivan Reitman classic.”
“Bad dancing skills at a club can make the coldness of the ice in her screwdriver or Bayberry Breeze travel all the way down to her vagina.”
“Christoph Paul asks some tough questions to phone sex actress and author Jenny Ainsile-Turner
An entire era of Batman in one comic strip.
“In his less-than-five minute tirade Watson does something very unique while presenting his case. He relies on facts, not feelings. A novel concept.”
“In less than five minutes Landis manages to unpack everything wrong with social media and the entitlement that comes with its whiny occupants.”
“Must eat more fat people. Thank God, I’m in America.”
“With an attempt to reach young people and please the donors of the NRA, The Republican Party will feature Slim Jesus speaking at their 2016 convention.”
“The soundtrack is amazing, the casting is perfect, and you kind of fall in love with Colin Farrell despite his serial killer mustache.”
“They have more than a couple of things in common…”
“‘The Buddy System’ is the Illuminati of horror fiction”
“Moby Dick was way too long and talked way too much about whales (like, real ones, not the chicks in Alpha Phi), but it had an awesome theme I could relate to—brotherhood”
“You think you impress the Rock? Let The Rock make something perfectly clear to you. You have never, and The Rock means never, impressed The Rock.”
“It’s national best friend day. Here is a list to capitalize on this and bring more traffic to this site.”
“In exciting publishing and video game news, the video game MFA vs NYC is now in post-production.”
“I hate saying, ‘I like exercising’ — I want to punch people who say that.”
“You know, outside the circus, most people were afraid of me.”
“People study for college finals and job interviews so the lack of effort and preparation to adequately pay tribute to the bride and groom is puzzling.”
“It’s time to make a move, Comedy Central.”
“I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
“YouTube editor and comedian Harrison Jeffs has edited, quite possibly, the most amusing video on the internet this week.”
“Legion of Skanks will be relocating to the smaller, in-house network GaSDigital, run by Luis J. Gomez and Ralph Sutton. “
” Stand-up comedy is an art form that works much better in person than on Netflix.”
“In honor of Captain America: Civil War premiering domestically this past weekend, CLASH writer Amy Ngyuen has provided her Top 10 Tinder Profiles To Use By The Cast of Captain America: Civil War.”
“izarro Erotica author and self-proclaimed Gnostic Prophet Mandy De Sandra has set up a Craigslist ad. She asks to have her conscious self taken out of her human host; YA and Bizarro Fiction author, Christoph Paul, and placed into a sex-bot machine.”
“Tell me, which do you favor, your fingers or your tongue?”
“I understand it must be very obnoxious to be hounded for pictures constantly and to be filmed by strangers, but to bring the man’s daughter into it and imply that he was teaching her that rape was okay is a bizarre approach to say the least.”
“If you stick a hotdog into a donut and 9 months later a Twinkie knocks on your door asking for it’s Dad… like is that cheating?”
“Danger Slater is the stand up comic of the Bizarro Fiction scene. He has googly eyes, a big heart, and a mind that is teeming with dark and forbidden secrets.”
“Meet Ernie. His life is a mess. Gretchen’s gone, and the apartment they once shared in this grey, grim city is now overrun with intelligent mold and sinister bugs.”
“Homophobic pasta giant Barilla will now being using Scalia’s blood for their brand new sauce: Antonin & Eve.”
“We at CLASH are happy to welcome literature lover and serial killer Jason Voorheesberg.”
“Dieting was really hurting our sex life. Then we discovered the miracle of Hydroxycut Gummies.”
“We are happy to share that CLASH Books is publishing the second edition of “Great White House” by Christoph Paul and Arthur Graham Feb. 12th.”
“It’s almost as if the authors, publishing houses, and websites in this circle are eating the feces of their neighbors, digesting them, shitting them out, and feeding them to the next person like an oval human centipede.”
“Below is a leaked transcript from the New Jersey 3rd Circuit Court. It is a conversation of a 3 man chat room group: New Jersey JuggalosB4Hoes. This conversation contains very offensive material and Clash Media does not support these sentiments or the Juggalos.”
“I took these hoes to the Denny’s bathroom. I started singing for these tricks, serenading these hoes as they gave me all the pussy and they even licked my balls.”
“Like most boys I hated Twilight, and like most boys it wasn’t because of it’s lack of cinematic value. Saying ‘it’s stupid’ was just a front to cover up my true feelings about the popularity of the movie.”
“Rob Fee is one of the most talented comedy writers working. Odds are likely that if you recognize his name (or don’t recognize his name) you’ve read at least one article from him. More recently, he gained attention through his vocal criticisms of The Fat Jew’s joke thievery.”
“We came across a brilliantly crafted, recut trailer for The Farrelly Brothers’ 1994 classic Dumb & Dumber, starring Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels.”
“This isn’t a piece on if you agree with me or not, this is merely what it is.”
“I click on it because there are hot naked women masturbating and then there are 50 different girls, guys, and transsexuals, and couples all getting down in a little screen.
It looks like the Hollywood Squares of porn.”
“There are different types of assholes. I’m a Steve Jobs type of asshole, that’s when if I see something that I find fucking stupid or not up to par, I want tell the person how fucking stupid they are and then shame them for being so god damn moronic.”
“…to get a lot of fans and a lot of money, you’re going to have to be a little more than just funny.”
“My laptop was positioned perfectly on my bed. I was looking at Tubegalore.com but I was not sure what topic to pick when I heard a ghostly voice echo in my studio apartment, “Chrisssstoppph, Chrissstoph, do not jerk off. For I am the ghost of jerk off past.”
“Practice Makes Perfect is officially available in Paperback and eBook from the official store of CLASH Books.”
“The fuckin’ holidays are coming up — who’s kidding, you know you didn’t do shit with your life, right?”
“Today it’s been revealed that Furlan’s controversial video isn’t even original, but a carbon copy of a popular Vine released earlier this year by comedy duo Jayme Karales and Kenney Dorcely.”
“Your style is boring. It is so boring. And it’s not even trendy anymore. The beard, bacon, tattoo, craft beer starter pack peaked in 2013, so why is it still a thing? Why can I leave my home on any given day and see at least six variations on Ricki Hall?”
“Rainn Wilson, best known for his role as Dwight Schrute in the US remake of The Office, released his memoir The Bassoon King nearly two weeks ago. Just recently the book shot to #1 on one of Amazon’s Best Seller lists.”
“According to Judicial Watch, the front-running Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has taken aim at five stand up comedians for mocking her at The Laugh Factory.”