Annual White Mainstream Holiday Movie Checklist

Here are all the time-honored tropes in one convenient checklist


Chillin’ With Characters

“There are plenty of zines and lit sites that give authors a platform to talk about their favorite seltzer water and convince everyone they use a typewriter, which is great and all, but that’s not what this is.”

10 Reasons to Buy The Anarchist Kosher Cookbook

Ghosts trying to get laid, an “erotic” burning bush, forbidden love between sea monsters and more fill this collection of Torah-influenced bizarro, horror, and pulp fiction. You gotta dig any book that has a recipe for a skinhead-killing Golem.”

#the Tao of Murray

“Amongst his many deific duties, Murray plays poet and maharishi to the various extraterrestrial corporate entities that run our universe. He keeps them merciful.”

DC Mandingo Pizza Party

“Me and The DC Mandingos we got a gangbang going on tonight; it is with some old white woman in Bethesda. We’re gonna film it. You should come, man; there’s going to be pizza.”

Enough of Food Trends: Let Pizza Die

“Food trends occur every couple of years and frankly, they’re pretty damn obnoxious. Why? Because you have thousands of people acting like they adore food products slightly more than they actually do and I just can’t take it!”

The Shit the Bed Blues

“She looked at me and said, “You guys actually don’t suck. And you remind me of Billy Corgan, but with hair. Do you have any pot?”

REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘Ghostbusters’ (2016)

“After publicly speaking out against Ghostbusters and Paul Feig last week–which resulted in being blocked by the Ghostbusters director on Twitter–The Cinematologist is back this week with a review for the remake/reboot of the 1984 Ivan Reitman classic.”

Help Mandy De Sandra Become A Singularity Sexbot

“izarro Erotica author and self-proclaimed Gnostic Prophet Mandy De Sandra has set up a Craigslist ad. She asks to have her conscious self taken out of her human host; YA and Bizarro Fiction author, Christoph Paul, and placed into a sex-bot machine.”

I’ve Given Up on Amy Schumer

“I understand it must be very obnoxious to be hounded for pictures constantly and to be filmed by strangers, but to bring the man’s daughter into it and imply that he was teaching her that rape was okay is a bizarre approach to say the least.”

How To Rot With Danger Slater

“Danger Slater is the stand up comic of the Bizarro Fiction scene. He has googly eyes, a big heart, and a mind that is teeming with dark and forbidden secrets.”

New Jersey JuggalosB4Hoes Chat Room Transcript

“Below is a leaked transcript from the New Jersey 3rd Circuit Court. It is a conversation of a 3 man chat room group: New Jersey JuggalosB4Hoes. This conversation contains very offensive material and Clash Media does not support these sentiments or the Juggalos.”

How ‘Twilight’ Fucked, Saved, Made Me

“Like most boys I hated Twilight, and like most boys it wasn’t because of it’s lack of cinematic value. Saying ‘it’s stupid’ was just a front to cover up my true feelings about the popularity of the movie.”

IN CONVERSATION: The Funniest Man on Social Media – Rob Fee

“Rob Fee is one of the most talented comedy writers working. Odds are likely that if you recognize his name (or don’t recognize his name) you’ve read at least one article from him. More recently, he gained attention through his vocal criticisms of The Fat Jew’s joke thievery.”

Chaturbate: A Step Toward Singularity

“I click on it because there are hot naked women masturbating and then there are 50 different girls, guys, and transsexuals, and couples all getting down in a little screen.

It looks like the Hollywood Squares of porn.”

My New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Of An Asshole

“There are different types of assholes. I’m a Steve Jobs type of asshole, that’s when if I see something that I find fucking stupid or not up to par, I want tell the person how fucking stupid they are and then shame them for being so god damn moronic.”

The Ghosts of Jerking Off: A Christoph Carol

“My laptop was positioned perfectly on my bed. I was looking at but I was not sure what topic to pick when I heard a ghostly voice echo in my studio apartment, “Chrisssstoppph, Chrissstoph, do not jerk off. For I am the ghost of jerk off past.”

Brittany Furlan Steals Vine, Adds Racism

“Today it’s been revealed that Furlan’s controversial video isn’t even original, but a carbon copy of a popular Vine released earlier this year by comedy duo Jayme Karales and Kenney Dorcely.”