At least when shit hits the fan I’ll have tomatoes.
Ikea is a strange and dangerous place. But if knowing witches is good for anything, it’s for walking into scary and confusing situations like this.
In the city where I live, I hang posters of her face on concrete walls and bus-stop shelters. We cannot forget.
“Go to a crossroads & try to summon Lucifer & see what happens.”
“The first time you think your chest is going to explode, it tends to take the fight out of you.”
Warning: Experiment with these practices at your own risk.
“Each of the writers by day seven had shared raw truths, built scene after scene and perfected their skills.”
“Humans are addicted to anxiety.”
“You look exactly like your Facebook photos, and it’s making my stomach all mushy.”
“What to do When the Plan “A” Items Are Sold Out.”
“More people need to wear a panda head when they do interviews.”
“Hi there, Dudebros. Hope all is well in the frat house, basement, or wherever it is you’re reading this from.”
“Palahniuk is himself a member of the Cacophony Society.”
“I will recommend 5 books to prepare Martin Shkreli for his time in prison.”
“If you think every other author out there is your enemy, you can go fuck yourself.”
Take a trip to the METAL side of LIT
“I felt okay about being charmless. I was going to eat ice-cream.”
“I picture myself as Lena Dunham with a beard.”
“When I finally decided to quit drinking I had anxiety about being alone.”
“I visit old people in their homes and help them with daily tasks, like cooking and cleaning and bathing.”
“I had the image of me eating my heart but it was cake instead of my actual heart.”
“I can already see the glazed over eyes of anyone who dares read this shit.”
“How can Facebook expect me to share my Facebook memories when I can’t even handle my Facebook realities?”
“She looked at me and said, “You guys actually don’t suck. And you remind me of Billy Corgan, but with hair. Do you have any pot?”
“It’s time we get up and shoot for something larger than ourselves.”
“Be human. People hate bots.”
“Bad dancing skills at a club can make the coldness of the ice in her screwdriver or Bayberry Breeze travel all the way down to her vagina.”
“Rape is fucking wrong.”
“I was trying to invoke Satan and accidentally invoked the ghost of Margaret Thatcher instead. Now she’s bugging me, telling me about how privatizations can help my country. How do I get rid of her?”
“Dear Maddie, I’m not very good with words. How do I tell the woman in my basement she can never leave without upsetting her?”
How do I avoid seven years of bad luck when all I want to do is break a bunch of mirrors?”
“Dear Maddie, I’m a happily married woman but I sometimes feel bored, like I’m missing out on life.”