Author Archive

Writers Should be Like Sam Hinkie & Trust The Process

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In professional sports there is ALMOST never a good reason to lose, and in writing there is never a good reason to write poorly. Both are the golden rules of being ‘successful’ but what if you need to lose to get better, and need to write some shit to get better? What if losing and being shitty is part of the process to become great?

I Talk Politics with Popular YouTuber Wizard of Cause

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I talked and debated with Twitter friend and popular YouTube Personality Wizard of Cause on John Podesta’s Pizza Party

Review of the Film The Circle

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So I went to see The Circle even though it had a 17% Rotten Tomato…

B. Diehl Interviewed by Christoph Paul

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Philip Levine or Billy Collins who makes better lasagna? Follow up question, who is the better poet Blink 182 or Billy Collins?

Author Alexander Boldizar Interviewed by Christoph Paul

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One of the earliest reviews I received said, “A full on satire of contemporary law as mesmerizing and complex as something lost from David Foster Wallace, yet as light in tone as A Confederacy of Dunces.” First I was flattered, thrilled, and then I thought, wait, didn’t both those guys kill themselves?

Review of The Yellow House by Chiwan Choi

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“I finished The Yellow House by Chiwan Choi in one sitting, on my birthday.”

How I Unintentionally Wrote An Awesome Grunge Song About Farts

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“Hardcore fart song, bro. I liked it.”

Christmas at the Porn Store

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“Around Christmas time I would have to set up The Singing Santa next to the lube.”

Election Reflection

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Author Christoph Paul gives his thoughts on the election.

I Was on Jeff Burk’s Podcast for An Epic Political Conversation

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“We geeked out about politics for 4 hours.”

Jay Ajayi Gives The Miami Dolphins A Winning Identity

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“I am a huge Miami Dolphin fan and for the first time and what feels like forever, I enjoyed watching them play football.”

I RAN FOR ONE MILE AND DIDN’T DIE

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“I didn’t realize how out of shape I was until I tried running a mile.”

Search Engine Optimization Poem

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This poem should at least get some Google hits.

Am I Lame As Fuck for Liking Hillary Now?

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“I know so many people who hate Clinton as much as I hated my old government job.”

Selling Books at Brooklyn Book Fest

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“I’ve experienced a lot of diverse literary events but Brooklyn Book Festival has always been one of my favorites.”

The French Girl Who Loved Birds

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“Look, I’ve read a great French author named Marquis de Sade. 120 Days of Sodom. So I know what’s up.”

DC Mandingo Pizza Party

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“Me and The DC Mandingos we got a gangbang going on tonight; it is with some old white woman in Bethesda. We’re gonna film it. You should come, man; there’s going to be pizza.”

Letter to Stephen King from The American Adverb Association

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Let’s just say right off the bat that we are deeply disappointed! Yes, us! And yes, “deeply” is the right word—it works to show exactly how disappointed we are.

Don’t Breathe is the Best Film of the Summer

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“So the best movie of the summer and maybe the best horror film of the year is about white kids in Detroit robbing a blind guy.”

SJW Poet’s New Chapbook is Written in Jay Sizemore’s Ashes

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“Jay Sizemore writes such vile poems of trashbag hate…”

The Shit the Bed Blues

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“She looked at me and said, “You guys actually don’t suck. And you remind me of Billy Corgan, but with hair. Do you have any pot?”

Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s Rejected Self-Help Book Proposal

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“DIRTY’S GUIDE TO CLEAN LIVING AND BROOKLYN ZOOING…”

DC PORN STORE BOOK CLUB: Anna Karenina

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“Perv #2: So, who is this Anna Karenina bitch? Does she like the D?”

KarmaSutraSensei’s Dating Ad

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“You must be amazing because karma has blessed you with finding me.”

Scientific Study of What Male Actions Cause the Most Vaginal Dryness

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“Bad dancing skills at a club can make the coldness of the ice in her screwdriver or Bayberry Breeze travel all the way down to her vagina.”

Interview with Phone Sex Actress/Author Jenny Ainsile-Turner

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“Christoph Paul asks some tough questions to phone sex actress and author Jenny Ainsile-Turner

Jason Voorheesberg Reviews Juliet Escoria’s Witch Hunt

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“Clash book reviewer and current art therapy patient and psychopath Jason Voorheesberg reviews Juliet Escoria’s new poetry collection Witch Hunt.”

Paul Joseph Watson Is A Boring Milo Yiannopoulos

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“What is it with conservative celebrities now having British accents? Are there no more talented conservative mouthpieces under 50 in America itself, that the right has to outsource them from across the pond?”

Slim Jesus Will Be Speaking At The Republican Convention

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“With an attempt to reach young people and please the donors of the NRA, The Republican Party will feature Slim Jesus speaking at their 2016 convention.”

Dwyane Wade Wants to Feel Wanted

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“When the Miami Heat offered him a 2-year deal with a 50% pay cut to play for ten million a year instead of his usual ten million, it was his pride more than his pocketbook that got hurt.”

Top 5 Friday Reads

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“Top 5 books you should be reading.”

New Evolutionary Psychology Study Shows Men Who Send Sexual Private Messages on Facebook Are Least Likely To Reproduce

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“The Evolutionary Psychology Department of Dartmouth published a peer-reviewed study on the sexual attractiveness and sexual experience of men who send Private Messages on Facebook. In the sample survey of the 1032 men selected, those who sent sexual messages and compliments to strangers were the least likely to reproduce.”

Eli Roth is Remaking ‘Death Wish’ — Fuck Yes!

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“Eli Roth + Death Wish Remake = We Are Fucking Excited”

The Cavs vs. Warriors Game Will Decide The 2016 Election

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“If the Cavs win Donald Trump has no chance to win the election. He needs Ohio and West Pennsylvania citizens to be as miserable as possible to give him any hope of becoming president.”

Charles “Chug Life” Donaldson’s Moby Dick Paper

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“Moby Dick was way too long and talked way too much about whales (like, real ones, not the chicks in Alpha Phi), but it had an awesome theme I could relate to—brotherhood”

Kevin Love Poem

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“Being a really tall and muscular white boy is better than being in a boy band in the late 90’s”

The Top 10 Best Friends in TV History

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“It’s national best friend day. Here is a list to capitalize on this and bring more traffic to this site.”

MFA vs NYC Video Game Coming Soon

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“In exciting publishing and video game news, the video game MFA vs NYC is now in post-production.”

Mr. Robot Season 2 Trailer Looks Fantastic

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“CLASH will be covering the new season.”

Leland and Dan Wait for Godot at AWP

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“Dan Falatko, the author of Condominium, and I met through our publisher, Chicago Center of Literature and Photography. We became fast friends and shared a book-signing table at AWP this year in Los Angeles.”

‘Batman v. Superman’ Was ‘The Babadook’ of Super Hero Films

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“The only spoiler is I fucking hate The Babadook”

The Philosophical Implications of Bringing The Mother Fucking Ruckus

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“I believe it is when you are trying something outside of comfort zone, trying something you’ve never done before, but believing you can do it is the epitome of bringing the mother fucking ruckus.”

I Want To Thank The Terrorists For Encouraging Me To Pursue Writing Instead of Politics

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“The tube I would have been on had blown up. If I had stuck to my daily schedule, I wouldn’t be here today.”

Jason Voorheesberg Reviews Danger Slater’s ‘I Will Rot Without You’

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“Meet Ernie. His life is a mess. Gretchen’s gone, and the apartment they once shared in this grey, grim city is now overrun with intelligent mold and sinister bugs.”

Wu-Tang Tribute Anthology Submissions Open

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“We want 2,000 to 3,000 word stories dealing with anything Wu-Tang Clan related. That could be Gravediggaz themes of horror, cool ass ninja shit, grimy Shaolin monks, slick futuristic science fiction a la Bobby Digital, gritty, or off-the wall crime fiction.”

Drugs Dealers Already Coming Up With Codes For Facebook’s New Like Options

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“While many longtime Facebook users are complaining about the new “Like” options on Facebook, many entrepreneurial drug dealers are coming back to the social media site.”

Jeb Suspends Campaign, But Will Start Anti-Bullying Campaign

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“Jeb Bush failed to place again in the South Carolina Primary. With a heavy heart and new understanding of being picked on, he will now travel the states explaining why bullying is hurtful and ruins people’s dreams.”

Parent Yourself Through Writer’s Block

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“Whether it is writing or doing any activity that involves you being vulnerable, you are going to have to find ways to push through when you’re ‘not feeling it.’ I think the toughest job for artists of any genre is not creating (good habits and desire will take care of that) but dealing with and managing feelings.”

Antonin Scalia’s Blood Will Now Be Used For Barilla Pasta Sauce

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“Homophobic pasta giant Barilla will now being using Scalia’s blood for their brand new sauce: Antonin & Eve.”

I Watched Every Episode of the Gilmore Girls At A Porn Store

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“The Gilmore Girls kept me company and gave me a much-needed break from the nihilistic porn store squalor. Stories and characters at their best make you feel less alone. Stars Hollow was a great place to go visit while sitting in a porn store.”

New Jersey JuggalosB4Hoes Chat Room Transcript

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“Below is a leaked transcript from the New Jersey 3rd Circuit Court. It is a conversation of a 3 man chat room group: New Jersey JuggalosB4Hoes. This conversation contains very offensive material and Clash Media does not support these sentiments or the Juggalos.”

Ayn Rand Should Have Gotten Therapy Instead of Writing ‘Atlas Shrugged’

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“Today is Ayn Rand’s birthday. I wonder how she acted on her birthday. Was she extra selfish? Did she see it as a celebration of the self, or just another reminder that she’d one day die?”

Nate Dogg’s Diary Shows He Still Had Fun Even When The Homies Can’t Have None

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“I took these hoes to the Denny’s bathroom. I started singing for these tricks, serenading these hoes as they gave me all the pussy and they even licked my balls.”

Author Vincenzo Bilof Goes 10 Questions with Christoph

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“CLASH Editor Christoph Paul recently sat down with fellow author Vincenzo Bilof (author of The Violators) about writing career and a lot more.”

Hours vs. Days / Job vs. Hobby

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“It’s not really about writing every day. I do write every day and it helps me a lot to stay in a rhythm, but it’s not about days for me. It is about hours.”

Chaturbate: A Step Toward Singularity

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“I click on it because there are hot naked women masturbating and then there are 50 different girls, guys, and transsexuals, and couples all getting down in a little screen.

It looks like the Hollywood Squares of porn.”

Dear Adam Gase

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“There are two types of Miami Dolphin fans: one group that needs something to do on a Sunday, because they are still high on coke from partying Saturday night; the other is people who equate home, family, and regional pride with watching the Miami Dolphins on Sunday.”

A Sonnet Inspired By ‘Spring’

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“An aimless young man (Lou Taylor Pucci) takes an impromptu trip to Italy and becomes involved with an alluring genetics student (Nadia Hilker) who harbors a transformative secret.”

My New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Of An Asshole

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“There are different types of assholes. I’m a Steve Jobs type of asshole, that’s when if I see something that I find fucking stupid or not up to par, I want tell the person how fucking stupid they are and then shame them for being so god damn moronic.”

Empathy

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“I have high levels of empathy. Not Will Graham level, but up there.”

The Ghosts of Jerking Off: A Christoph Carol

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“My laptop was positioned perfectly on my bed. I was looking at Tubegalore.com but I was not sure what topic to pick when I heard a ghostly voice echo in my studio apartment, “Chrisssstoppph, Chrissstoph, do not jerk off. For I am the ghost of jerk off past.”

All Fetuses Go To Heaven: A Children’s Story on Abortion

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“Once upon a time in a magical place named New Jersey there was a young woman named Jane. She had pretty blond hair and liked to drink magical juice that made her forget how boring College was: a place where people read magical books to make their brains bigger…”

Photography of Philip LoPresti

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“I learned the poet was a photographer as well and his photos reflected the same sensibilities as his poems…”

The Politics of Amazon vs. Apple

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“For better or worse I see things very much through the lens of International Relations. I see the distribution of digital art as similar to the politics of the Cold War.”