Charles Austin Muir
As soon as I get certified, I’m going to open my own personal training facility. I’ve thought long and hard about the type of client I want. I’m not interested in seeing average people or even fit people like the guy at Crunch Fitness who shouts “PUMP IT UP!” whenever he throws a weight overhead. No, I want to work with someone extraordinary, someone who has put his body through brutal, bone-shattering shit.
I want to work with Michael Myers.
True, Myers appears to be inhumanly strong and possibly immortal, but surely he can benefit from a training program aimed at strengthening his musculoskeletal system for the gunshots, beatings, stabbings, electrocutions and beheadings he’s bound to sustain over the long haul.
And how stupid would it be if he ruptured his L4-L5 disc while bending over to pick up his knife?
That’s like when I sprained my ankle walking downstairs with a case of beer. I know “the Evil on Two Legs” can learn from me.
So let’s pretend, as Dr. Samuel Loomis might say, that death has come to my little office for a workout program. After filling out the requisite forms, I would make sure Myers can perform basic movements like the squat, hip hinge, plank and overhead arm extension. Then I would take him to my garage space where the magic happens, Boogeyman Fitness. I’m serious about wanting to train mega-destructive serial killers.
Here’s where I train Michael Myers to become the fittest slasher super-villain since Jason Voorhees snatched 305 pounds for fifteen reps in Jason Goes to the CrossFit Games (for which I wrote the script if anyone wants to contact me).
Since Myers is already big, I would limit the bodybuilding-style work and focus on movements similar to what he does when he kills people. I would also add moderately intense plyometric movements. I would emphasize technique and power overall. Generally speaking, I want Myers using his hips to protect his lumbar spine considering his history of falling from great heights and I would like to see him increase force capability because he is simple and direct in his attacks. He has strong abs judging by how he sits up after being stabbed repeatedly, but I would hammer that muscle group as well.
Not even insanely strong serial killers get better physiologically after the age of forty.
After I finished with him, Myers would stab harder and get up faster than he ever did in any Halloween movie, including the Rob Zombie movies. Shoot him with a bazooka and he would shake it off like, “Motherfucker, I got abs and legs for days. Try again!” He would convey this through heavy breathing instead of speaking, obviously (I’m not a speech therapist), but his posture would be on point.
So what would the Michael Myers killer workout include?
A weighted hip hinge movement to build lower-body strength and glutes of pure evil. Deadlifts, Romanian deadlifts, good mornings or kettlebell swings.
Goblet squats or front squats. These build monster quads and require thoracic extension which supports dramatic overhead knife-wielding. They also work the anterior core, eliminating the need for overcomplicated ab work.
Lunges. Start with a static lunge and progress to walking lunges. If Myers can walking lunge with 315 pounds on his back, he’s strong enough to step from behind a tree and slay a grizzly bear with one stroke.
Landmine press. Angled pressing is the shiz for lifting people up single-handedly and pinning them to a wall with a butcher knife through the chest (like Myers does to Bob Simms in the first Halloween). A few months of this exercise and Myers is ready to put the Simms move on a 400-pound strongman.
Clean or snatch from mid-thigh. I would have an expert teach these because I suck at them. Both lifts are good for coordination, speed, vertical jump, force production and flexibility. Myers is an athlete of serial killing and should strive to constantly improve in these areas.
That’s it for the primary exercises. Accessory exercises would include one-arm medicine ball slams that mimic Myers stabbing downward, single-arm work to strengthen tissues around his stabbing elbow, various jumps for bone density and coordination while leaping onto moving vehicles and weighted stair climbs for when Myers pursues victims seeking higher ground.
After six to nine months I would switch or add exercises and maybe try different periodization styles, but this pretty much sums up Myers’s training regimen. Being superhuman he’ll yield crazy results from training conservatively. Plus this allows him adequate recovery for murdering and stuff.
So Myers, if you’re out there, call me and breathe really fast if you want a consultation. Let’s get “The Shape” in shape. And Freddy, definitely hit me up. You are way too skinny, bro.
Charles Austin Muir is the author of This Is A Horror Book and Bodybuilding Spider Rangers and Other Stories. He has been published in several horror anthologies, including Peel Back the Skin and Year’s Best Hardcore Horror. He is a former powerlifter who was not very good and an even worse air guitarist. He works as a therapeutic exercise trainer.