last October, she got to carve pumpkins with you.
things were still good back then. it was right before
her affair came to light, before the fake positive
pregnancy test she bought online to keep you around
and that time she threatened to kill me upon seeing
the text where I’d begged you to find some other version
of what you were still insisting was happiness.
maybe you no longer think of that time
as one where things were good. maybe memory
has done what it does so well and singed
the rosy sheen off everything, and you
no longer believe you ever loved her. but last October,
she got to carve pumpkins with you.
it was a warm autumn. the two of you were on the porch.
one of you said something about how the sun
has been going down earlier and earlier lately, and I know
you think autumn is the most goth of the four seasons,
so I’m sure those black lines around her eyes
made you well up with something pure.
you leaned in like a movie scene, wet knife
still in your grip, your soft lips on hers a wall
I sprint into every night and wonder why I’m bruised.
you know what this poem is supposed to be about:
what I would have done with that knife,
those black lines you loved, how I’d slice so cleanly
around them, scoop the flesh from inside
and smoke out the hollow, but tonight, I feel weak.
I carve a circle into the top of her skull
only to crawl inside it. I watch
through the asymmetrical triangles as you get close,
learn the way you kiss when nothing can convince you
the lips pressed to yours are only tourists.
then, from the bottom of the garbage can,
what’s left of her says, it got dark so early.
I see the look in your eyes, and I know it.
so I light myself on fire, project a toothy triangle smile
onto the side of the house for the three of us.
Kat Giordano is a poet (1%) and massive millennial crybaby (99%) from Pennsylvania. She co-edits Philosophical Idiot and works for a law firm somehow. Her debut full-length poetry collection, The Poet Confronts Bukowski’s Ghost, is available now. She is also the author of many highly embarrassing social media meltdowns. Look deep into my eyes. Take a deep, cleansing breath and clear your mind. You are getting very sleepy. Kat Giordano is very cool. You like her.