Sometimes I wake up and feel like there’s too many mufuckas out there who need to be called out. On most days, my to-do list is so long that I have to ignore that feeling and work on stuff that needs to get done. However, there are a few glorious days in which I say “Yeah, screw the to-do list; let’s make some assholes angry today!” Today is one of those days. Why? Because I’m tired of seeing the same shit over and over again. Yeah, I can already feel folks unfollowing me on Twitter, trying their best to turn their acidic reaction to this post into a witty response, and writing blog posts in response to my words. I’m used to it by now, and your hate feeds me and helps me grow. Now let’s get to it. Here are ten types of writers we need to throw down a well:
1. “Victims” of misandry in publishing
Back in April the hashtag #misandryinpublishing was a real thing. It boiled down to angry men complaining about how women control publishing and that’s why they don’t get published. Needless to say, that’s bullshit on a level that almost reaches the things that come out of Trump’s mouth. I bet you a taco that the work of most of the assholes complaining simply sucked so hard that no sane woman, or man, would touch it. Seriously, if you think it’s tough for heterosexual white men to get published, you need to get educated and shut the fuck up. Oh, and this hashtag reinforced my goal of working with female editors as much as possible, continue to read and review women with a passion, and, if the opportunity presents itself, to work with a female agent, so thanks!
2. Writers who are convinced “PC culture” is ruining publishing
Yes, the blacks and the browns and the gays and the women are coming for you! Identity politics is the devil that’s preventing your work from getting published! It’s unfair that people give you shit for writing awful, cliched fiction in disrespectful ways about shit you know nothing about! Haha. Just kidding. If you think PC culture is ruining publishing, I don’t have to read your work to know it’s mostly about people and things you don’t understand, it’s packed with silly cliches, and you’ve probably never heard about psychogeography or diversity. In fact, I don’t even have to listen to you because I already know you think rape jokes are funny, the #MeToo movement is evil, and you regularly use words like snowflake, wrongspeak, and PC police. Here’s my PC message to you: please (see how nice I am?) fuck off.
3. Writers who respond to Facebook comments with a link to their book or who recommend their own work when someone asks for book recommendations
You are selfish scum. You are why most people don’t ask for book recommendations. You are self-centered trash. Your inability to see literature beyond your own measly contribution is sickening on many levels and I hope you get frustrated with your dismal sales and go sit on a saguaro.
4. Writers who constantly refer to themselves as hardcore, edgy, or extreme
If you want to read bad, utterly unnecessary rape scenes (fantasies, really) and violence done wrong, read these mufuckas. These purveyors of bland, repetitive, weak fiction are a dime a dozen online. They constantly point out how extreme their work is and often illustrate it via absolutely atrocious cover art featuring blood or skulls or something equally insipid. Their writing is usually so extreme and hardcore that it would get the shit beat out of it in a kindergarten brawl.
5. Writers who use fake blurbs
Sure, this one isn’t so bad, but we’re all allowed to have a pet peeve or two, right? I mean, I get on social media and “My favorite read of the year!” and “Absolutely stunning!” and “This is the best book I have ever read” and I wanna know who said those things, but you won’t tell me. No, you will put shit in quotations and call it a blurb. You didn’t go to school the day the teacher discussed attribution. You forgot that having a name attached to a blurb is crucial. You prefer to have random “blurbs” that you pulled outta your ass all over your social media and ignore the fact that it’s silly and makes you look like an amateur. Go ahead and do you, but please know the rest of us are thinking about throwing you down a well until you cut that nonsense out.
6. Writers who call themselves things no one has called them
The leading voice in whatever. A cult author. The next whoever. This one follows #5 for a reason: they’re both equally stupid. Just cut it out. Let others call you things, but never give yourself a damn title, you beslubbering carbuncle.
7. Writers who are absolutely fucking perfect and that’s why they self-publish and refuse to work with an editor
I’m sure you’ve met at least one writer whose work is so perfect that he or she doesn’t need an editor. Their work comes out flawless. There are no plot holes or sentences that could use a rewrite or syntax issues or grammar problems or typos. I mean, they usually fuck up when they tweet, but that 125k-word novel they wrote? Nah, that shit’s perfect. Fuckattahere with that nonsense. In fact, their work is so amazing no human “gets it,” so they put them out themselves with a cover they put together in ten minutes. BONUS: any writer who self-publishes the right way (professional editing and cover) and starts defending self-publishing the second someone hates on the assholes who have turned it into a sad joke. Mellow out, folks, this isn’t directed at you.
8. Constant complainers
This is the hundredth time I’ve written about them negatively and I will continue to do so for as long as they keep doing their thing. Writing is so hard! Editing is a pain. Deadlines are horrible. Shitty writers getting juicy advances hurts. Agents keep rejecting my work. Submissions make me nervous. I don’t know how to build my platform… We fucking get it! You are right, but if all you can focus on are the awful parts, then please just quit writing. Seriously, if it pains you so much, stop sacrificing and go do something else, preferably at the bottom of a well.
9. “Screw that genre!” writers
Apparently some writers find it very hard to work on their own shit without having to put down genres they don’t write in or read. Well, I say we throw them down a well and let everyone else write and read in peace, deal?
10. Writers who try to trademark words, rape/racism apologists, and abusers
Fuck them all. They’re a huge pimple on the face of literature. We need to throw them all down a deep, dark well.