How do you answer the criticism that He Digs A Hole is really just a product placement for Home Depot Shovel’s section? Also is it true you got a handjob behind New Jersey small business staple Sal’s Shovels & Stuff?
That criticism is wholly unfounded. Just because Home Depot offers a wide variety of lawn & garden tools at a reasonable cost doesn’t mean that I am contractually obligated to mention in every interview that Home Depot offers a wide variety of lawn & garden tools at a reasonable cost.
And who told you about that handjob? Was it Sal? I’d hate to tell you what us Jersey boys do to people who don’t know how to keep their mouths shut…
Do you feel guilty about culturally appropriating Daredevil Culture?
The most famous stuntman ever calls himself EVOL and he doesn’t even worship Satan. What devil is this dude supposed to be daring?
Can you tell me where on this doll your book talked to you?
In the ear.
Alphas use axes cucks use shovels, how does it feel to just be red pilled, bro?
Well if your goal is to dig a hole into a lovely lady’s willing heart, then your dumb axe isn’t going to do all the much, now is it? Haha suck on that, ya alpha-wannabe-alt-right fuckwads.
Did you get bullied by crossing guards in high school?
No way. I was the bully myself. I’d be like “Hey, crossing guard, gimme your lunch money!” and the crossing guard would be all like, “I’m an adult, I don’t have lunch money!” and then I’d be like, “Whatever, nerd!” and I’d cream them.
My future wife wants you to write more non-fiction for the CLASH Media site. Why can’t you just do what she says? You think I want to clean dishes and watch the Bachelor, & talk about Lana Del Rey all the time? I don’t but I do it because it is my duty and I care about her. So why do you hate and disobey my future wife Leza Cantoral?
Look Christoph, what you need to do is go out the shed and saw off your own hands and replace them with little shovels. Then dig a hole in backyard so deep that once you climb into it you’ll never be able to hear the television playing The Bachelor ever again.
I’ve been feeling a little low morale lately. Tell me about how brilliant my Twitter book is and how you are good at Twitter because of it? Also I don’t like Twitter anymore so will you be on my YouTube channel? Also, Reddit bro, that’s my new shit.
All jokes aside, your Twitter book was really useful and I implemented a lot of your suggestions and I’m like a Twitter God now. And I’ll be on your YouTube channel if you come on my PornTube channel. It’s only fair.
Has Portland changed you, are you fooled by the rocks that you got, or are you sill Danny from the block? I know you’ve had a little but now you got a lot. Are you still Danny from the block? Answer existentially with a tribute to JLO
How have you responded to the criticisms from ugly people about your new podcast Unreasonably Handsome with Michael Allen Rose?
Uggos that listen to our show automatically become handsome. It’s basically like plastic surgery for your brain.
Finally, what are you working on and what do you have to plug?
My newest book is called HE DIGS A HOLE and it’s a psychotic domestic drama/comedy/horror book about a man who replaces his hands with shovels and then drags his wife and his neighborhood into the underworld he finds in the hole he digs into his backyard. It’s basically like Revolutionary Road meets…. Journey to the Center of the Earth… if it were a Troma movie. You can buy it today!
You will probably really DIG Danger’s new book.