Super Serious Internet Interview with Autumn Christian

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1) If your parents named you “Spring” do you think your life would be different? Who would Spring Christian be?

First of all, people would stop asking me, “Have you ever met a Spring?”

We’d stop laughing because obviously nobody would name their child Spring, except, they clearly did. And now we both feel embarrassed.

I once read that people with names that start with the letter “A” are more likely to be successful in school. I know that I seem like this hypercool beast of a rebel wild babe, but I was a very good kid. I never smoked, drank, had sex, or even stayed out late – I was a socially anxious nerd who liked videogames and books with elves in them. I cried once when I forgot to bring my homework to school in first grade. I imagine Spring wouldn’t have cried. Spring has no fucks left to give – Spring would tear up the homework while laughing in the teacher’s face. Spring would have gotten an abortion at 16 and backpacked through Europe to search for her destiny.

 

2) Do you like the way you work it or is it no diggity, and can you back that up?

Kid, don’t play with me like that.

 

 

3) More likely to happen in 2100: proof that God exists or aliens become Dubstep fans?

The aliens are already dubstep fans. Since they exist outside of what we know as time you can say they’ve always been dubstep fans. I don’t understand this question.

 

4) Thot or Cuck? Answer this question existentially?

In order to properly answer this question, we’re going to have to break down the meaning of each of these words. A thot, or “That Hoe Over There,” is a sexually promiscuous woman, often seen as cheap and desperate for approval from men. A cuck is a man so desperate for approval from a woman that he will let her sleep with other men. It may seem they have the same motivation, but the key difference is that the Thot finds approval through her own actions. The Thot is a hoe, and as such doesn’t need a single man to own her self-esteem. She has in fact transcended ordinary human relationships because unlike most of her peers who are chasing after rich husbands and sugar daddies, she has affirmed her own existence by the mere act of Thotiness – an act of authentic experience. As existentialists know, authenticity is one of the only true ways to be free.

The cuck, in trying to affirm his own existence, is instead thrust into constant existential despair. He feels trapped in his relationship as cuck, and sees no escape from his self-created circumstance. He is not pursuing his authentic self, because he would rather accept constant denial of his true desires rather than be alone.

One should think of the thot and the cuck as running along a continuum from true thotiness, to desperate cuckold. I am not a true thot, and if I have to be honest I am more of a cuck because sometimes instead of expressing my true thotiness I wear sweaters in the summer and pretend like I don’t want it. Sometimes, I’ll be honest, I don’t always act in accordance to the true self which would truly let my thotiness shine to serve as a beacon for humanity as it climbs into the future,  One day I can only hope to be a true thot, and achieve harmony not only with my self, but all of existence.

 

 

5) I hear you are getting into Karate, are you a big fan of KamaSutra Sensei? Will you be going to his conference Yang Masters/Tao Blasters?

I’m getting into Kung Fu, not Karate, I’d never set my foot into one of those McDojos. (There is good Karate out there, geeze people, stop the angry emails.)

However, KamaSutra Sensei is a true teacher of the inner workings of the heart. I have used his two-inch punch technique to earn the affections of many men. (My metaphorical wrist-locks to get the men to stay, however, need some work.) I’m afraid I’m not high enough of a level to master the Tao Blasters technique, and I consider myself more of the ways of Ying than Yang, which from what I’ve heard is more from the Canton region traditions.

 

 

6) What is harder to write: HTML coding or poetry that doesn’t suck?

Any trash monkey can write HTML. It’s not even a programming language, since it all does is mark up data so a web browser can display it accurately. You don’t even have to know how to write conditional loops to write HTML. It’s way more difficult to write poetry that doesn’t suck. Primarily, because the structure of the language is more complicated. Secondly, because the first rule to writing good poetry is to “know thyself” and most people don’t even know how to google the location of the nearest 7-11, must less navigate the intricate inner workings of their soul.

 

7) Have you filled out a patent for the Crooked God Machine?   

 

Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you.

It’s been 1200 days since we’ve heard from our mother planet.

Something is jamming the signal.

The patent was for a “God Machine.” Look, I hope if a god really does exist out there, they will forgive us for trying to mess with something we had no real understanding of.

The god machine was supposed to bring us closer together, to unify the people with a purpose and a leading voice.

Well, it did exactly what it was programmed to do. Just not in the way that we hoped.

If anyone hears this, tell mom I loved her.

And that I’m a goddamn idiot.

 

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8) Will Singularity happen in our lifetime? Also, on a scale to 1 to an Idris Elba sexbot, how sexy is Ray Kurzweil?

It’s now a race against the singularity and Donald Trump making us all mad enough to blow up the planet.

I had to look up who that is. I’m not sure where he’d be on the sexy scale, but at least 4 points below Wittgenstein in his youth and maybe on the same level as an animatronic Slavoj Zizek who can only quote Karl Marx.

 

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9) Fuck, Kill, or Mary: Philip K. Dick, Dick Wolf, Dick Van Dyke?

This is obviously a trick question. Everyone knows that Philip K. Dick created an army of clones out of himself. I’d fuck and marry the clones of Philip K. Dick, obviously. Then together we’d kill the others and create an empire out of Dicks.

Yes, that was a cheapshot dick pun. If you thought I was too literary or something to go for that, you’re wrong. You obviously set up this question hoping for that, so you have only yourself to blame.

 

10) What are you working on now & what do you have to plug?

Your mom, to answer both of those questions.

 

 

Autumn Christian is a fiction writer who lives in the dark woods with poisonous blue flowers in her backyard and a black deer skull on her wall. She is waiting for the day when she hits her head on the cabinet searching for the popcorn bowl and all consensus reality dissolves.She’s been a freelance writer, a game designer, a cheese producer, a haunted house actor, and a video game tester. She considers Philip K. Dick, Ray Bradbury, Katie Jane Garside, the southern gothic, and dubstep, as main sources of inspiration.

 

Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor author. He writes non-fiction, YA, Bizarro, horror, and poetry including: The Passion of the Christoph, Great White House Volume 1 and Volume 2, Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks, Horror Film Poems, & A Confederacy of Hot Dogs. He is the managing editor if CLASH Media and CLASH Books and edited the anthologies Walk Hand in Hand Into Extinction: Stories Inspired by True Detective and This Book Ain’t Nuttin to F*%k With: A Wu-Tang Tribute Anthology.

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About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep'd by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

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