By Bob Freville
The term “bodyhacking” is (falsely) considered to be synonymous with the sort of body mod we’ve seen in movies like American Mary. But I’m here to tell you that all bodyhacking isn’t something straight out of a David Cronenberg flick.
Granted, there are so-called “body hackers” out there who are into a fringe version of Transhumanism that is closer to the body horror of Tetsuo: The Iron Man than anything practical for the average person. These “biohacks” often consist of inserting microchips under the skin in an attempt at making your fingertips more intuitive.
One dude has even implanted a chip “for fun.” In Brian McEvoy’s mind, fun means having a glow-in-the-dark hand.
But all biohacking isn’t so extreme nor is it so techie. On the contrary, a lot of biohacking consists of supplementation that can be enjoyed in the privacy of your own home and without the need for scarification.
I’ve never been one for labels, but you could call me a biohacker…at your own peril. Over the last few years, I’ve experimented with everything from picamilon powder (the stuff the Russian cosmonauts have been using for years for clean focus and energy) to different kratom strains (the plant matter from the Mitragyna speciosa plant, an Ayurvedic herb from the coffee family).
More recently, I’ve been exploring SARMs (Selective Androgen Receptor Modulators) which are an awesome alternative to anabolic steroids that have far fewer potential side effects. For one, they don’t shrink your junk.
As I’ve talked about before, nootropics are a good tool for biohacking the natural way. SARMs are the latest nootropic craze and they can seriously help people build lean muscle and burn fat. They’re also a successful treatment for muscle wasting in people who have been in accidents that left them bedridden and suffering from muscle atrophy.
I started experimenting with SARMs after a confluence of events left my back fucked up. Three years ago, I was on my way to Brooklyn to get my Chevy Blazer looked at by a mechanic buddy of mine. The Blazer kept overheating, so I brought a massive container of water with me in case this started happening.
Instead of overheating, I ended up hitting traffic on the highway and it started raining. Some chick in one of those old monster size Cadillacs hit an oil slick and rear-ended me. The force of the hit sent the giant jug of water slamming into the back of my seat.
At first, I didn’t feel any pain, but then I ended up falling down a flight of stairs while carrying an air conditioner. And then I had to fish a drunk person out of a hot tub after they blacked out (dead weight).
The next day, I threw my back out and had to go for X-rays. The results showed that I had multiple vertebral fractures and stenosis of the spine. After several months of agonizing physical therapy, I gave up on exercise and started going to a pain management doctor.
He gave me epidurals and prescribed pain killers, but none of it made me feel any better. Instead, I just gave up on getting relief and gave up on working out. Consequently, I gained a shit ton of weight and started laying up, shoving lunch meat and malt liquor into my maw with abandon.
Cut to a year later and I’m a morbidly obese couch potato with man boobs and a massive beer belly. And guess what? My back still smarts like a bitch.
That’s when I heard about kratom. Apparently, the shit had been used by the natives of Southeast Asia for thousands of years as an herbal anxiolytic (anti-anxiety) and analgesic (pain reliever). I decided to order some online with very low expectations.
Up until that point, I had tried a lot of different “research chemicals” for different “dietary needs.” By this, I mean that I’d ordered picamilon at the behest of a friend who compared it to cocaine (it was NOT like cocaine). I’d tried ginseng for fatigue (still tired). It had all been like tits on a bull. Totally useless.
But after taking two grams of kratom powder using the “toss n’ wash” method, I was genuinely shocked. My knees, which had been inflamed for years after several dislocations, no longer throbbed, my lower back didn’t feel like anyone was holding hot coals to it as it usually did, and a sense of calm washed over me.
Since then, I’ve been ordering kratom on a semi-regular basis from Coastline Kratom. Their white vein bali strain is my go-to kratom strain because it helps me with my pain and also chills me the fuck out when I’m a big ball of stress.
Kratom is also a viable biohack for people who are looking to kick opiates. The active alkaloids in the kratom plant work to mimic the effects of opiates, effectively warding off withdrawal symptoms and providing the user clean energy.
If you’re a pot smoker, you probably already carry a pair of sunglasses with you at all times. But if you’re not, be sure to pick some up before dosing with kratom powder because your pupils will get blown out at certain dosages.
After I started to feel better in the pain department, I knew I had to do something about my fat ass. That’s when I started checking out the SARMs. Substances like Ostarine and RAD-140 are rad supplements for those who need to hit up the gym or pound out some reps at home.
As I’ve said about all nootropics, you’ve gotta be careful when selecting a SARMs vendor. As in the case of Modafinil and similar noots, some shady companies use fillers in their products. I usually go with Proven Peptides because their name says it all. They’re a legit outfit with quality chemicals.
If you’re looking to get ripped, this stuff is the shit. And if you’re like me and you just want to shed a few pounds and feel better, it’s more effective than the bogus energy bullshit you find at a 7-Eleven counter.
The best part of all? You won’t end up on American Mary’s slab.
Bob Freville is the author of “Battering the Stem” (Journalstone/Bizarro Pulp Press) and the director of the minimalist vampire film “Hemo” (Troma Team Releasing). He is a vocal opponent of the proposed kratom ban and an advocate for natural medicine. His satirical novella “Celebrity Terrorist Sex Bomb” will be released by Journalstone in 2018. To send him dirty pictures or death threats, email him at: firstname.lastname@example.org.