VERY MERRY TWISTED FUCKING XMAS ART

 

ART & WORDS BY JIM AGPALZA

 

Let’s start where Christians always like to remind the world that Christmas isn’t JUST about presents and lights and shit. It’s about the birth of the messiah. The savior of mankind. That’s a lot of pressure for a little baby, and this baby’s been at it for over 2 millennia. I’m sure he’s tired and in need of a cigarette. What does the baby Jesus smoke you ask? American Fuckin’ Spirit, asshole. U.S.A.! That’s right, the savior of mankind, the king of kings is an American. And he’s tired of all your shit.

 

Baby Jesus 2

 

Krampus is the kind of mythological figure I can get behind. He creeps across town snatching and sacking kids who’ve been naughty and beats the shit out of them with a bundle of sticks. Fuck yeah! Show them ne’er-do-wells. The world is NOT your oyster, you spoiled fucking brat!

 

Krampus (1)

 

What if Santa wasn’t a kindly elf who dispensed gifts to all the good little children all over the world in one night? What if he was a feral animal who ate children? Wouldn’t that be awesome and scary?

 

Santa 2015 1

 

Speaking of Santa, did you know he was one of Jesus’s disciples? Well, he was. He was there when they crucified him. He was in the crowd, watching. Jesus looked at Santa and said “I love you” with his eyes. Right then and there, the first Christmas miracle happened. Santa grew some righteous boobs that leaked milk. Milk that would feed reindeer and make them fly. Dreaming of a white Christmas.

 

tweaked santa

 

As we all know you shouldn’t lust after your own daughter. Christmas is Christmas, and if you’re the leader of the free world you don’t have to follow the rules. Not any more. So you embolden racist elves, give them all brown shirts and cool new trucker hats and freak everyone out. It’s cool though, you’re making Christmas great again. No one wants to be a cuck, so everyone will have to fall in line, and we’ve got eight years to do so.

 

Dreaming of a White Christmas

 

Uh oh Santa’s been caught red-handed. Looks like milk and cookies aren’t cutting it anymore. Looks like Santa wants 40 – 60lbs of flesh to feed his candy cane fix. All our heroes are deviant criminals. Merry CHRISTmas!

Santa 2017

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Born on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Jim Agpalza now resides outside of Portland, Oregon, where he works as a cover artist, character designer and storyboard artist. He also teaches painting classes at various bars throughout Portland. He has a book out now written by Kevin Shamel and illustrated by Jim Agpalza called “Not Safe For Kids” you should get it. It’s GUARANTEED TO EMOTIONALLY FUCK UP YOUR KIDS.

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