WITCHES LIKE METALLICA
ART & WORDS BY JIM AGPALZA
Witches Like Metallica.
After bathing in the blood of several children and carving an image of James Hatfield out of the biggest fattest pumpkin, Izma the witch put on her favorite Metallica album, ‘Ride The Lightening’. Izma then proceeded to taunt the children still trapped in the cage in her living room by headbanging to the dulcet tones of ‘Creeping Death.’ Making devil horns with her fingers on one hand and squeezing one of her breasts with the other till a thick green milk trickled out of her nipple, she shook her wrinkled mass at the terrified children. Anytime the milk landed on anything other than her skin, it would hiss and burn like acid. The children would scream and huddle away from the witchs’ titty droplets.
Izma cackled, she hated kids, but loved their blood. She used their blood, for it had magical properties. It helped her to live a very long life, and it helped her to fly on her broom. Tonight’s events are just her nightly ritual before she heads out to fly around the nearest village to kidnap more children. She needs at least ten. The villagers know who and where their children were taken to, and they’ve had enough of it. It’s 2017 for Christ’s sakes, and they are not gonna take it anymore. The villagers got together after the last group of children were taken away and decided then that it was time to end the madness and kill the witch. The next night the villagers gathered all their and guns, flashlights, knives and pitchforks and piled into all their PT Cruisers. Izma was flying over a trail of PT Cruisers when one of the villagers saw her through their windshield.
“There’s the witch!” yelled the villager. Izma flew lower till she was eye level with the passengers in the cars. Then she yelled her favorite line from ‘For Whom The Bells Tolls’. “Take a look to the sky just before you die, it’s the last time you will!” Everyone in their PT Cruisers did as they were told and looked to the sky. Izma smiled and closed her eyes and pissed on her broom and uttered a spell that stopped all the car engines and made everyone in them shrink into toddlers. Izma cackled and uttered another spell to make her pubic hair grow and fashioned itself into a net. Izma knew after tonight she would have a surplus of children, and it made her happy, but also made her very sad. Once she runs out of children she would have to move. Izma hates moving. Moving is a bitch.
Born and raised on an island in the middle of the Pacific. Jim now lives in Portland, Oregon, where he works as a freelance illustrator, cover artist for various presses. Jim is the co-creator of the animated show Spacefish, the novel Fantastic Earth Destroyer Ultra Plus, Not Safe For Kids and the comic Apollo Unbound.