By Elizabeth Teets
Like any American, we here at CLASH Media are dreamers. We believe that anyone can be anything they put their mind to. We believe we can achieve anything we set our minds to with hard work and dedication. We also believe in not working that hard if you don’t want to. After all, even if you don’t get any recognition for anything you do in life, you CAN still date someone who does. And once you are dating that person, then comes an invitation to the after party and a walk down the red carpet. And isn’t that what we were all after anyways?
Here at CLASH Media we are committed to helping you find the easiest way into that after party. Sure you could try to be as cool as Amal Clooney, but that would require law school and a fairly rigorous exercise routine. Or you could the go the road less steep and find your way in as a B List celebrities arm candy. Even the nerd who won best editing gets to walk the red carpet. And with that in mind we have compiled this list of Oscar Winner who are probably easy to fuck.
Michel Gondry – Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay 2005
This guy wrote Enteral Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. He may have well wrote a movie that entitled “I’m easy…. but romantic” Okay so this guy is probably definitely easy to fuck, but maybe like make him a hair doll and mention how much you like The Smiths or something for him fist. He wants to know you are his type before he jumps into anything too serious.
Casey Affleck – Academy Award for Best Actor 2016
This year’s winner for Best Actor. A man who is definitely easy to fuck, because literally nobody wants to. He is a giant creeper and sexual predator after all. Last year’s Best Actress winner (and activist against sexual violence) Bri Larson, would not even touch the guy as she was forced to hand him a trophy. Although Casey has made our list of people who are easy to fuck, we DO NOT encourage actually following through. This man does not deserve a woman’s touch ever again. We recommend using him for a walk down the red carpet and immediately bailing in someone else’s limo before things go any further.
Graham Moore – Academy Award for Best Writing Adapted Screenplay 2015
Nothing says please fuck me like admitting a suicide attempt DURNING your speech. We applaud Mr. Moore for bringing attention to mental health issues and standing up to people who suffer with depression around the world. Hey! maybe you could do something for him that would help him feel less alone later in the evening.
Woody Allen – Academy Award for Creepiest Dude Ever 1999, 2007, 2008, 2016, 2024 (probably)
What is it with the Oscars? Are these really thinly disguised sexual predator awards? Anyways, again probably easy, but 100% not worth it.
The married couple who wrote the lyrics to that song your little sister will not stop screaming at the top of their lungs are that couple that comes up on tinder and confuses you until you see “open marriage.” I think it was obvious from their sing songy acceptance speech that they have been looking for a unicorn for years and have no intention of “Letting Go” of that dream. But hey, they look like they could be a wild time and maybe you can get into some Disney premiers in the future.
Shawn Christensen – Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film 2012
Curfew was a cute little taste of Shawn Christensen, but did you see Sidney Hall? Any dude who is this into J.D. Salinger is 100% down to bone anytime. Just ask him over to do mushrooms or complain about how fake everyone in Hollywood is and you are set.
Elizabeth Teets is a writer and stand-up comedian from Portland Oregon. She is currently asleep on the couch in the lobby of The Hollywood Theater if you need to find her. Below is a clip of her stand up