A Horror Fan’s Guide to Love and Sex by Brendan Vidito
It’s Valentine’s Day, which means it’s time to either get naked with that special someone, or be crushed by loneliness and despair. Or if you’re like me and don’t give a shit, it’s just an ordinary day in the middle of winter. But for those who see this holiday as an excuse to fuck and also happen to be fans of horror cinema, this guide is for you. Before you say anything, the end result of a horror-themed sex manual is NOT to be murdered by a masked killer. I mean, if that’s your thing then by all means go ahead. I’m not one to judge. What I’m proposing here is a list of sexual acts inspired by horror movies that will be sure to fire up your inner crematoriums this Valentine’s Day. There will be screaming, bodily fluids spraying inkblots on the walls, and a choir of orgasms that’ll make you understand why the French call them the little death. So take off your clothes—assuming you’re not sitting in front of the computer naked already— pop the cap on that container of lube and let’s get started.
Wet and Sticky Skinless Sex
Has this ever happened to you? You’re about to get laid, pulling off your jeans, shirt, socks, underwear, leaving nothing but the hair on your head and crotch, but you still feel like you’re not naked enough? Well, if Clive Barker taught us anything it’s that sex with a skinless person can be an incredibly erotic experience. Don’t believe me? Check out Hellraiser and its sequel Hellbound: Hellraiser 2. Both Frank (Sean Chapman) and Julia Cotton (Clare Higgins) find new life after dying horribly in their dealings with the Cenobites, but even death can’t snuff out their need for a good humpty-squirty. Mind you, their skin is gone but maybe that’s part of the appeal. Sex manuals are all about instructing the reader about areas of the body with the most nerve endings to achieve maximum pleasure, but holy shit, imagine if you don’t have any skin and all those nerves are exposed to your lover’s probing hands? To achieve this in the bedroom requires some preparation. You’ll need to first acquire a mysterious puzzle box, solve it, and submit to the “pleasures” of the Cenobites. After that, you’ll need someone else, likely your partner, to orchestrate your resurrection. The blood of a relative is incredibly useful here. Please note, however, that you may only have a brief time to enjoy your lover’s company before the Cenobites return and eviscerate you. But hey, it could be fun. Think of it as getting a good fuck in while the parents are out on a milk run. I guarantee it will bring back fond memories of your teenage years.
Shunting, or the Slimiest Way to Gang Bang
If you have any rich friends, ask them if you can take part in their next “shunting”. As Brian Yuzna’s Society shows us, shunting is a social event for the rich where they have the opportunity to deform their bodies into horrific shapes, melt together and devour the poor. I’m convinced that some of the more altruistic types do it for fun, without, you know, murdering some poor guy who can barely afford rent, so maybe since it’s Valentine’s Day you could offer to bring chocolate instead, or everyone could wear edible underwear. I don’t know, but I’m sure there’s a passive alternative. Anyway, shunting takes the gangbang to the highest level. The process will produce buckets of slime, so it’s perfect for all you mucophiliacs out there.
The New Flesh is the Hottest Flesh
We live in a time that fetishizes 80s popular culture, so wouldn’t it be rad if you developed a vaginal opening on your stomach that supports Betamax tapes? All you need to do is expose yourself to the corrupting influence of the Videodrome signal, an illicit snuff broadcast that causes viewers to acquire malignant brain tumors and reality-warping abilities. Among these abilities include the always-sexy sticking-your-face-into-the-TV routine (see above) and inexplicably becoming a guest star on the Videodrome program for some of that genuine Fifty-Shades action. Side effects may include: becoming a mind-controlled assassin for the Spectacular Optical Corporation. But what the fuck, right? Imagine slotting a dusty Betamax tape into your partner’s belly and having them reenact your favorite movie scenes? Now that’s love.
True Love is Like Art
Painters have long had an obsession with the human form, but how many can claim they’ve painted a beautiful woman using the multicolored pus leaking out of their subject’s body, like the artist (Shigeru Saiki) in Hideshi Hino’s Mermaid in a Manhole? I know what you’re thinking: “my partner’s pus is exclusively yellow, green or white—my color palette is too limited”, so let me clarify that the artist’s subject in this later installment of the infamous Guinea Pig series is actually a mermaid. Mermaids are fucking magical, okay? You can probably paint a Technicolor Pollock with their body juice. So yeah, if you ever come across a mermaid while exploring the local sewer tunnels, take the opportunity to make some beautiful art because what makes a better Valentine’s Day present than a painting from your beau?
Can’t Find a Third Partner, Why Not Make One?
If the emotionally stable couple from Vincenzo Natali’s Splice has taught us anything about relationships, it’s that when you need to spice things up, you might as well genetically engineer a super freak hybrid with interchangeable genitalia. It works every time, just ask Adrian Brody. If you decide to go down this route then I would suggest finding a way to cover the venomous stinger on the hybrid’s tail. After that, you’re in for a night of flexible, oddly incestuous, animal sex.
An Alternative: The Jigsaw Bride
If you don’t have a PhD in genetics, you can always create a playmate in your garage with bullshit non-science. Jeffrey Franken (James Lorinz) pulled it off and created the Frankenhooker when his wife, Elizabeth (Patty Mullen), was decapitated in a tragic lawnmower accident. Her body wasn’t exactly salvageable, so he used exploding crack (which I’m sure is easily accessible via your local drug dealer) to kill several prostitutes and select the limbs necessary to reconstruct Elizabeth. Now, all of this is a little extreme. I’m sure you don’t need to kill anyone to get your hands on some serviceable limbs. I hear hospital security is pretty lax these days, or maybe just ask a friend. You’d be surprised who’s willing to sacrifice an appendage in the name of love. The resulting creation will likely possess unnatural strength, which is great for any guys who enjoy being thrown over their girlfriend’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
Why consume all the sugar and empty calories in Valentine’s Day candy when you can eat each other? Spontaneity is often cited as a romantically attractive trait, so imagine the surprise in your lover’s gaze when you bite off their tongue in the middle of a soul kiss? Shane Brown (Vincent Gallo) and Coré (Béatrice Gall) from the French flick Trouble Every Day had the right idea. Shane and his wife, June (Tricia Vessey), travel to Paris on their honeymoon, where Shane also takes the opportunity to track down his old crush, Coré, who happens to be a man-eating cannibal. What follows is a juggling act to control your (gender neutral) boner and gag reflex. In other words, it’s the perfect Valentine’s Day movie to watch when you’re hungry.
Zombies Have Sex Too
If you happen to be one of the shambling undead, don’t worry. Zombies are like old people when it comes to sex: younger folk either like to think they don’t do it, or they prefer not to think about it. But there are many examples of rotting corpses bumping uglies, most notably in Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive. And as that movie proves, they can be a lot freakier than the living. A word of caution: there’s a misconception that the dead cannot conceive a child. This is a lie. Zombie babies are a very real possibility. Plan (Z™) accordingly.
A Human Centipede conga line… I think that’s all you need to know. Now grab your duct tape and industrial stapler and get to it!
Both Ginger Snaps and The Howling demonstrate that a werewolf bite will enhance your sex drive. Remember to wear protection, though, unless you want to pass on the curse.
Re-Animator shows us that a severed head is still very capable of giving head. Just remember consent is key.
There are various alien species with great sexual prowess. They can teach you a thing or two. Try asking Sil from Species or, if you’re daring enough, a xenomorph from Alien—they’re basically living Black Destroyer dildos.
And finally, I hear haunted puppets are good at finger play…
BRENDAN VIDITO is a novelist and short story writer from Northern Ontario. His stories have appeared in Splatterpunk Zine, Infernal Ink Magazine, Dark Moon Digest, and the recent anthology Splatterpunk’s Not Dead. You can visit him at brendanvidito.wordpress.com.