Christmas at the Porn Store

porn-santa

Around Christmas time I would have to set up The Singing Santa next to the lube.

I hated this Santa Claus.

As you can see he looked like the typical Santa Claus you’d see at the mall but when you walked past him he’d sing Christmas songs with Barry White’s voice.

His voice was so low and full of bass I had to position him just right or the vibration of his voice would knock down the vibrators. I had to always go pick them up, which was a real pain in the ass.

My boss wanted him on top of the lube cabinet so that he would be visible for the whole shop but I didn’t think it was a good business decision–no one wants to be naughty in front of Santa.

You could see a guy in the ‘Interracial Section’ holding up “Big Ass White Girls #17” and “There’s A Negro in My Daughter #12” and then someone would walk back past Santa and you’d hear the Barry White Voice sing, “Joy to the world, Lord has come.”

Most porn patrons don’t want to mix up coming to The Lord, and cumming on tits so it made things awkward.

Around Christmas, more people would come in and hear more songs sung by Soul Train Santa. Sometimes the pervs would join in and I’d get Christmas carols.

The good thing was most of my customers were black men so they had pretty good singing voices. Some would even dance and do routines as the store Santa sang.

After hearing these songs sung every possible way from dirty to nice, I have grown to hate and love them in equal measure, because they make me think of the regulars that would come in and hang out for hours.

People think those who go to the porn store (especially with the Internet now) are deviants but they are just lonely guys with little money and there is nothing more crappy in America than being poor, black, and lonely around Christmas time.

Yet, the porn store provided more than just dildos and sex tapes; it was like a barber shop, as a lot of the brothas would come in and talk about sports, life, or how the hoodrats are driving them crazy or emptying their bank accounts.

Most of the men, like myself, were just really lonely and wanted someone to listen to them.

The conversation could have been anything, they just wanted company.

I didn’t mind. I loved the job because I could write there, but a part of me felt good connecting with other men and finding solace through shitty times.

It was always be busier around Christmas and I noticed a sad truth: if you don’t like your family or don’t have one you are more likely to come to the porn store. More men would come and just want to hang out, talk with me, and sing songs with white Barry White Santa.

They came to rent a video, but more importantly that came there to find a way to cheer themselves up. That is the a thing about Christmas, if you’re doing really well in life it is your favorite time of the year, but if not, you end up going to a porn store mid-December things because things didn’t work out like you wanted.

The porn store for many men was a way to hide from the cold of the winter and of life.

Yet, underneath that sadness there was a nice brotherhood that I now miss: we’d laugh and share stories even embrace the spirit of Christmas–most of the men were black but felt Kwanza was some bullshit.

This year, I am a few years removed from the porn store, but as I hear the Christmas songs I think of that singing Santa and I start to miss those guys.

I miss hearing their stories, the community I was part of, and the ‘realness’ of the conversations. In the porn store, you could just say what you felt and then Santa would sing along.

There was an authenticity with those men, that I have found in very few places. It was a feeling of home and empathy for those who haven’t quite gotten what they wanted out of life.

But it was ok, we’d find a way laugh about it and be grateful for the things we had.

Looking back on it now, I realize it was in the porn store where I first felt the true spirit of Christmas.

 

Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor writer and editor for CLASH. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd DorksGreat White House 2: Billary Bites Back, and Horror Film Poems. Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_and Christophpaulauthor.com.

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