The Art of Perfecting the Rap Squat
You’ve seen the squat. The prayer hands. The effortless glow. This is the rap squat whispered about in ancient hip-hop lore. Many try, but few can pull it off.
I’m here to help you achieve your rap dreams. No, I can’t fix your vocal cords or your ability to rhyme or lack thereof. Instead, I’ll guide you through the physical regiment of perfecting the rap squat.
Step one: Practice squatting at least twenty times a day in front of a full length mirror or in front of friend. Keep yourself accountable. Stand with your feet shoulder length apart and squat downward until you feel like you’re in a painful ass seated position. Come back up for air and repeat. This motion will help your butt, your glutes and core strength. Don’t downplay form. It’s hella important.
Step two: Cut out photos of A$AP Rocky, Action Bronson, Rihanna, Travi$ Scott and Bill Clinton in rap squat pose. Tape these on your walls right above your bed, frame them and bring them to work, and if you’re really dedicated to your craft, place one or two in your wallet like a memento. Study these poses and don’t overlook the facial expressions. Visualize yourself pulling off the rap squat in front of rap gods.
Step three: Begin deep-seated rap squats in front of the camera. Ask your hypebeast friends to shoot you from low angles so you’ll look larger than life. Do not smile. Do not grin. Keep a straight face with a hint of menace. If you don’t choose to be a menace to society, replace that look with feigned deep thought or actual prayer.
Step four: Post photos online and watch people melt in the presence of your rap squat. Unleash your newfound talent in random public places even if there isn’t a camera to capture the moment. Someone is always watching.
Step five: Go out and pose with other masters of the rap squat and watch people fall to their knees in awe of your graceful form.
Sidenote: Prayer hands aren’t a necessity, but highly encouraged.
Grant Wamack is the author of A Lightbulb’s Lament and Junkyard Exotic. He is a weird fiction writer, Navy journalist, and rapper extraordinaire. You can find him hitting exquisite rap squats in Seoul or you can visit him here: http://grantwamack.com/