TOP TEN HORROR MOVIES GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU A WEIRD BONER

TEN HORROR MOVIES GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU A WEIRD BONER

BY BRENDAN VIDITO

It’s Halloween night. You’ve invited the person you were flirting with at the party back to your apartment. Your faces are greasy with makeup and the costumes you worked so hard to prepare are starting to look shabby. The thinly veiled innuendos and casual thigh stroking prove that you’re both thinking the same thing: ditch the costumes and fumble your way into the bedroom. But what’s the rush? What happened to foreplay? Why not ramp up the sexual tension with one of these horror movies instead? Rest assured that any of these options are guaranteed to give you and your potential lay the weirdest boners imaginable, lady or otherwise.

 

 

 

1. SHIVERS

David Cronenberg, the patron saint of body horror, is always a good place to start whenever the topic of weird boners is concerned. In fact, this list could be made up entirely of his movies, but for the sake of variation I decided to stick with his first feature film. In terms of tone and presentation, Shivers is a marriage between the scientific sterility of J.G. Ballard and the hedonistic abandon of Marquis DeSade.  It tells the story of a luxury high-rise apartment overrun by parasites that double as an aphrodisiac and venereal disease. One by one the tenants are infected and give in to their darkest sexual desires. This 70s flick has the same amount of sleaze as a Jess Franco sexcapade, but Cronenberg weaves in a fair amount of intelligence that elevates the subject matter, making this one a must-see.

 

 

2.THE BEAST

What happens when a French pornographer with a surprising amount of talent decides to adapt The Beauty and the Beast? You get a darkly funny, animal sex-filled nightmare. Walerian Borowczyk’s The Beast is dream-like tale that follows the sexual awakening of a young woman as she explores the sordid family history of her soon-to-be husband. The plot bears only a slim resemblance to its source material. Instead Borowczyk has given it a modern setting, a subplot involving family inheritance, and a whole lot of bestiality. Let me just say that the beast’s giant prosthetic dick gets way more screen time than Luke Skywalker did in the latest Star Wars flick. Underneath all the bodice ripping, though, The Beast is a well-constructed satire against religion and sexual repression. Recommended for those who appreciate dark humor and the few who enjoy having sex in a peruke.

 

 

3. NEKROMANTIK

I have a bad habit of showing scenes from this movie at parties. It’s probably one of the more notorious titles on this list, and for good reason. Rob works for a corpse cleanup team, but instead of bringing the bodies to the morgue, he takes them home to his girlfriend so they can engage in necrophilia. This splatter art film follows the structure of a tragic romance (you know, things start out great then the relationship slowly begins to fall apart) but instead of getting bummed out and listening to shitty breakup songs, these characters have much stranger and unhealthier ways of dealing with their issues. This is one of those movies you have to see at least once, and I can assure you your guest will thank you for sharing it.

 

 

4. TETSUO THE IRON MAN

Who doesn’t want a cyberpunk sex flick shot like a live action anime in the surreal monochromatic nightmare-style of Lynch’s Eraserhead? This one is light on plot and heavy on style. What little story there is follows a salaryman as his body slowly turns into metal after he and his girlfriend accidentally hit a guy known as the Metal Fetishist with their car. It has some of the most bizarre and disturbing sex scenes on this list, including one involving a drill penis.  I absolutely love this film—its unapologetic wackiness, collage of cinematic techniques, killer soundtrack—and recommend it to anyone who craves something new and different.  Take my word for it: Tetsuo is a visual feast that’ll be imprinted on your imagination long after the credits have rolled. Oh, and you’ll never be able to look at a drill the same way again.

 

 

5. NIGHTDREAMS

Stephen Sayadian’s 80s cult classic is the only hardcore porn on this list, but it’s probably not what you expect. Mrs. Van Houten is locked away in a sterile laboratory as scientists induce a series of erotic dreams and nightmares. Each segment of the film depicts one of these nocturnal visions. There’s a scene where Van Houten is nose-fucked by a living Jack in the Box, and another where she has sex with a dude in a Cream of Wheat box while another guy, dressed as a piece of toast, dances around playing the saxophone. Yeah, you can’t make that shit up. Sayadian (who wrote the film) would later become famous for Café Flesh, but Nightdreams is woefully underrated and definitely deserves a spot on this list. It’s more than just a fuck flick, it’s a piece of avant-garde art that transcends the medium, and probably one of the most innovative porn films ever made. I give it 10 dancing toasts out 10.

 

 

6. SEXANDROIDE

Ever wonder what it was like to attend a performance at Le Theatre du Grand Guignol? What if you got to see a burlesque strip show on top of all that violence and fake blood?  This is exactly what you get in this artsy sexploitation flick. The camera work is minimalistic, the acting grandiose, and the lighting theatrical. There’s very little plot to speak of—its short running time is filled with a series of vignettes depicting outlandish forms of torture and mutilation. The victims are beautiful women, the oppressors usually men in bad monster makeup. Despite its evocative title, though, there isn’t any sex nor are there any androids in the whole goddamn movie. But the sheer randomness of a vampire lady dancing to Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to do With it” makes up for false advertising.

 

 

7. IN MY SKIN

Erotic horror is paradoxical by its very nature. The viewer is meant to feel a simultaneous repulsion and attraction toward the material, which can make for an uncomfortable experience. No film captures this better than Marina de Van’s In My Skin. Esther becomes obsessed with self-mutilation after hurting her leg at a house party. Slowly her idyllic life begins to fall apart as she gives in to the temptation of her own bleeding flesh. Each knife stroke is filmed with the gentleness and attention of a caress during a passionate love scene. This may sound gruesome, but it’s actually one of the lighter films in the “New French Extremity” movement. It’s also one of the more challenging films on this list, but definitely worth watching because of its unorthodox and transgressive approach to the erotic.

 

 

8. HELLRAISER

This one is a no-brainer. Clive Barker’s masterpiece of masochism and adultery from beyond the grave requires almost no introduction. The title of the film alone is synonymous with erotic horror. Frank Cotton has long been pursuing new heights of physical pleasure. His search finally comes to an end when he purchases a mysterious puzzle box said to unlock realms of untold ecstasy. But it comes at a price. The curators of such experiences, the sadomasochistic Cenobites, have a vastly different understanding of pleasure. If you haven’t seen this one yet, do yourself a favor and check it out. It’s one of the best horror movies of the 80s, and a classic of the genre.

 

 

9. BAD BIOLOGY

This is Frank Henenlotter’s weirdest movie and trust me, that’s saying something. The director is the same gleeful psychopathic genius that brought us Basket Case, Brain Damage, and Frankenhooker. In this story of boy meets girl, Jennifer has a hard time finding love because she was born with seven clitorises and an accelerated reproductive system. Her orgasms are also so powerful she ends up killing whoever she has sex with.  Batz, in a similar twist of cruel fate, lost his dick in a freak accident and now has to contend with a transplant that is both obscenely large and sentient. If he doesn’t subdue it with animal tranquilizers it’ll detach itself from his body and go on a horny fucking rampage. This movie is dark, offensive, and absolutely hilarious. It also has a smart, but unconventional take on gender politics.

 

 

10. POSESSION

Are you like me in thinking that most stories of a crumbling marriage need more tentacle sex? If you are, you found the right movie! Mark returns from work abroad to learn that his wife, Anna, wants a divorce. She claims she’s not seeing anyone else, but Mark doesn’t believe her and decides to hunt for the truth. What he learns is beyond anything he could have possibly imagined. Possession is one those movies with an emotional core so powerful you feel like it’s punching you in the gut. One the main reasons for this is Isabella Adjani’s electrifying performance as Anna, which won her Best Actress at Cannes. Every emotion she conveys onscreen, no matter how nuanced or melodramatic, feels uncomfortably real. The film is also beautifully shot and inhabited by a creeping sense of dread. It’s the perfect marriage between highbrow art-house cinema and erotic horror.

So, there you have it: ten erotic horror movies intended to spice up your Halloween night. Now it’s time to light those black candles, peel back the sheets, and start making noises the neighbors will mistake for poltergeist activity.

 

 

BRENDAN VIDITO is a novelist and short story writer from Northern Ontario. His stories have appeared in Splatterpunk Zine, Infernal Ink Magazine, Dark Moon Digest, and the recent anthology Splatterpunk’s Not Dead. You can visit him at brendanvidito.wordpress.com.

 

 

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