It was around 2:30 PM at the porn store when an average-height young African-American guy came in with a short, chubby, large-breasted black girl. They were looking around the Non-adult Section where there was a poster of the film Precious; the well-endowed girl looked at it and said, “I am an actress, I’m black, and I am fat. I should have gotten the starring role in Precious. I could be sad and fat. Shit ain’t hard; I could have gotten paid and I could have been the one on Ellen and Oprah. Instead I’m getting titty fucked and sucking Spanish dicks.” Then she turned to me. “You Spanish? You look Spanish; I like sucking Spanish dicks.”
“I am half Italian.”
“Whatever. Where the skin-flicks, Pisano?”
“Through the wooden doors. I need to see both your IDs”
They showed their IDs. Both were twenty years old. She walked through the doors to the adult side and the Precious Doppelganger went to the Spanish Section. The young guy chilled by the counter near me. He was nodding his head to the song on the ’90s hip hop and R&B station and said, “Me and her, we both in the porn biz, too. She does big titty flicks and I am in the DC Mandingos. But I am branching out. I want to get involved in other avenues.”
“It’s good to branch out.”
“Word. You been working here long?”
“Yeah. A year. It’s cool and I can write here which is my thing.”
“Damn, writer, a year, you must have seen some freaks.”
“She is a freak but she’s talented. Sucks awesome cock and when dudes finish on her tits she licks it off without even having to be told. Total natural.”
“We all have our gifts.”
“Word, I like acting; I’m just working my way up the porn ladder. You ever do porn? You see so much of it you’d probably be good. Me and the DC Mandingos are doing a gangbang later tonight. You should come out; you could be like our honorary Italian . . . the race thing—it doesn’t matter anymore. Obama, you know what I’m saying.”
“Yeah, Obama has— Wait, what?”
“Me and The DC Mandingos we got a gangbang going on tonight; it is with some old white woman in Bethesda. We’re gonna film it. You should come, man; there’s going to be pizza.”
“Um . . . I really appreciate the invite and I do love pizza, but I just wanted to … watch some Glee and chill out tonight. Gangbanging is more of a weekend thing, you know.”
“I hear that man. All right, that’s cool; I got to check that Glee show out—I heard it’s funny.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty good.”
“I’ll Hulu it. So, you got any good pills for your dick?”
“Word. I need it for the gangbang. I’ll get two. Titties, come here,”
he yelled to the Precious Doppleganger.
She came to us and gave me a piece of paper with her name and number on it, “Yo, Pisano. Give this to the Spanish dudes and say to them: mucha tittas suckka el pingas.”
I took the paper and the DC Mandingo paid for the Stiff Nights. I wished him good luck with the gangbang. He said thanks and that he’d bring the tape when he visits again.
He came back a month later and said “What up, Pisano! I’m online! You got Internet on your PC?”
“Yeah … I do.”
“Word. Let me show you. You must be like that fat white movie review guy but for porn. I need your critique, Man.”
“Ok. Is this the gangbang?”
“No, something new.”
The Google screen came up and I typed in the web address the DC Mandingo gave me, and then told me the password and a code. I typed it in and saw him and another black man standing naked and smiling in a freeze frame.
“We are both over seven inches but he has a little more girth. Good sizes though, right?”
“Thanks. I would appreciate some, what’s it called? Constructive criticism.”
I hit play. The two young black men walked over to a naked blond woman. She was petite, in her mid- to late-forties lying on a queen sized bed with bed sheets that looked like they had a nice thread count.
“We shot it at her house while her husband was at work. But it’s cool; he knows. Cuckolds, I don’t get it but whatevs, you know. She was really nice though; she made us food. You ever have a cucumber sandwich? She hooked us up, that shit was delicious.”
“Yeah, my ex made some for me, they were . . .”
I paused in sharing my mutual enjoyment of cucumber sandwiches when I saw both boys take a strange position. I was used to seeing one man enter the vagina and the other man enter the anus—usually decided by girth—but they weren’t doing that and I said, “Wait, it looks like you both are going too . . . oh man . . . ouch!”
I watched as the two penises went inside her vagina and felt this feeling of observing a car crash or when athletes fall incorrectly and their ankle or knee bends in an unnatural way. It looked wrong and painful, but I couldn’t look away.
“Yeah, Man; we’re hardcore.”
“How . . . the two of you . . . .”
“Man, just some lube and she was pretty blown out. You know what though, it felt pretty good; it was tight sharing it with Rodger. He’s a good dude. Professional, you know.”
I did not respond as I watched him and Rodger make the Bethesda MILF make sounds that reminded me of The Miracle of Life video I watched in Health Class. It was like watching a wounded animal being attacked—I wanted to look away but could not.
The attack stopped as both penises ejected out of her vagina and the DC Mandingo gave a play by-play, “Ah, here it comes; this is some AVN Award type shit. Double cum shot.”
And it was. Her botoxed face was in the crossfire of what I can only describe as a snow ball fight on a very hot day.
When the last “shot” came out I decided that I was not going to eat for the rest of my life.
“So what do you think?”
“I am honestly speechless.”
“Thanks, Man. I know, it was a powerful scene. That means a lot.”
“I have seen some shit; but that was . . . new,” I stuttered.
“Do you think I got what it takes to be in the big leagues like Bang Bros?”
And for a moment, seeing the need for validation and encouragement I realized the DC Mandingo and I were really no different, just young dudes with dreams, “Yeah. If you got talent and a dream, go for it. That’s what I’m doing.”
“You’re right. Dreams man, it is what it is about. Sometime we should chill and get some cucumber sandwiches and go fuck some Bethesda MILFs.”
“I’ll have to check my schedule.”
Bonus Clip. Before it became a porn store it was a TV rental store.
Christoph Paul is an award winning humor writer who uses adverbs sparingly. He is the publisher of New English Press. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks and Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. His next book will be a poetry collection titled “Horror Film Poems.” Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_ and Christophpaulauthor.com.