Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s Rejected Self-Help Book Proposal

I have been editing the up-and-coming anthology This Book Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit: A Wu-Tang Tribute Anthology. It’s  very rewarding work and I can’t wait for the book to come out. During the submissions I received an e-mail from someone claiming to be Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s ex-literary agent. The agent sent me his rejected self-help book proposal. While I can’t publish it in the antho, I can publish it here on CLASH. Enjoy Dirty’s Guide to Clean Living and Brooklyn Zooing.





Wooga wooga, Big Baby Jesus, Rain Man, it’s O Cyrus son, natural knowledge dropping like boogers on school desks; I am a Brooklyn Tea Party sent from Russia. Nigga please, this is for the Children.


Welfare is everything; it is your cough syrup and Thursday night pussy. Stay on it; even if you rich. You rats collect them checks and make sure your roast beef sandwiches got mustard on them. Hot dogs, too.


Ugly bitches and pretty ones; I fuck ’em. They got street pavement and roof tops . . . ain’t after my Egyptian straw hats. They like gold and silver teeth. Popeye’s dinner date, I make her ice cream cole slaw.


They are angels eating Dunagroos. From Australia to Brooklyn, it’s all for the children. Wu-Tang teaches the children to dig to China. Wu- Tang is for the Children.


Shit on the ground and piss on it; that is what I do for the community. Flowers are the sun’s pussy drops; make sure to not step on them. Weeds and drug dealers; they give turkeys and jobs to the Children. Thirty- six chambers with crack rocks.


I bring rotten apples and throw them at the teacher’s neck. I read the bible of Wu-Tang. The RZA is a garbage can of knowledge; dive into that nigga’s brain. I only read titty sizes and percentages on beer cans. I know how to use my right hook instead of the left, motherfucking fish brains.


Gonorrhea burns; your dick is hell’s ice-cube. Penicillin and the twelve steps. Climb to Osiris and let the sun suck your dick and cum out stars.


Alimony checks make a nigga run. Love the Children but don’t trip on the hamster wheel. A slim waist equals good piss; PO’s are push-ups with your collar bones.


Quarters are pubic hairs that need to be trimmed and dollars are limousine toll booths. Make sure you got both; give to the homeless ’cause they are the farts of God.


Share your turkey legs with those who have the same vagina blood. Blood is thicker than cookie dough and sugar rots your grill. Barbecues with the RZA and GZA are Sunday church crack rocks.


If she licks your ass you have given her Cupid’s dildo. Love is chicken salad that never spoils, but your heart must be ice cubes that polar bears stick their dicks in to keep warm.


Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor writer and co-publisher of New English Press. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks and Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_ and Christophpaulauthor.com.


About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep'd by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

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