DC PORN STORE BOOK CLUB: Anna Karenina

Halfway through working on my MFA in creative writing, I was  writing my novel/thesis literary novel titled Prophet. I reread the classics for inspiration and for my thesis while simultaneously managing a North East DC porn store during the day. When it was slow, many of the regulars (a couple African-American men in their early fifties) would come in and ask me about the books I was reading. Through these encounters I started the unofficial book club for the DC Perverts/Literary Curious. Here is a recollection of our meeting when we reviewed the merits of the Russian literary classic Anna Karenina.

Perv #1: That got a Oprah sticker on it. It’s got to be good and shit. Oprah, she smart.

Christoph: Yeah. It’s excellent writing. It really is a classic. It is like the Deep Throat of novels.

Perv #2: So, who is this Anna Karenina bitch? Does she like the D?

Christoph: She does; that is the problem and the plot. She has a man, but she likes this other one.

Perv #2: He probably got that big dick.

Perv #3: He getting cucked or does he not know? What is the name of the guy she is fucking on the side?

Christoph: Count Vronsky.

Perv #1: Motherfucker’s named Count Vronsky! Yeah, he definitely got that big dick. Bitches, in the end it is about giving them that good dick and hitting it right. It just the way it be.

Perv #2: It’s true (he holds up a DVD of Blackzilla 18).

Christoph: Well, you might be on to something because back then cheating and divorce were things you just didn’t do. So, Anna must have re- ally needed some Good D; Tolstoy never says it outright, but Anna’s man Alexi probably does not deliver good penis.

Perv #3: Her nigga’s name is Alexi? What kind of pussy name is that? No boy named Alexi is gonna hit it right.

Christoph: Um, sort of, but there is more going on. It ain’t just about Anna Karenina, there is like a whole ’nother story going on with this guy named Levin who is really into and wants to marry this girl named Kitty. He keeps trying to get her to marry him while Anna keeps . . . trying to get the cock from the Count.

Perv #2: That Count Vronsky a straight player, can’t hate on that motherfucker . . . But Kitty sounds like some virgin tight pussy, he needs to lock that pussy down. What’s up with Levin; he not a baller?

Christoph: Um . . . I guess he is medium pimpin’?

Perv #3: You know, that ain’t right. Medium, that should be good. I bet’cha Levin is a good man.

Christoph: You know, he is; he’s got character. Definitely old-school values. Just wants to work the field and have a good woman.

Perv #2: Damn, that should be enough to get some quality pussy. Bitches want too much; ain’t nothing changed. Shit ain’t no different with them Russian motherfuckers. Pussy is the same everywhere.

Perv #3: That is true, I feel that shit; you work hard, you stable, but that ain’t enough—bitches be acting stupid. I swear I see them either wanting broke ass niggas or ballers, but us middle men—we up inhere buying and renting this bullshit (he holds up AssParade 38).

Christoph: I hear ya, but in the book it takes some time for Kitty to see it but eventually she sees that Levin is the right man and they get married and he ends up happy.

Perv #3: That is good.

Perv #1: So what happened to the Anna Karenina ho?

Christoph: She kills herself.

Perv #1: Another bitch killed by the dick.

Perv #2: Ain’t the first, ain’t gonna be the last . . . Hey Christoph, ring me up.

 

Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor writer and co-publisher of New English Press. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks and Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_ and Christophpaulauthor.com.

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About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep’d by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

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