KarmaSutraSensei’s Dating Ad


Age: 38
Height: 5’7
Education: AA Degree
Kids: No
Looking for: Greatness or Enlightenment
Drink: Only Saki
Married: To my dojo, but you could be next.
Body Type: Athletic
Religion: Zen & Tantric Master
Race: Caucasian
Favorite Quote: “Because sometimes, what heart know, head forget.” Mr.Miyagi, The Karate Kid
Smoker: No

Konnichiwa, beautiful ladies.

You must be amazing because karma has blessed you with finding me. I already know you what are thinking—you are adjusting yourself because my words have caused an inner full moon forcing water to move to certain areas of your body. Yes, listen to your body, it is telling you that you’ve found your Yang Master.

Long nights of meditation have given me great empathy and knowledge of what women truly want: someone who can take them on a sexual journey but also make them feel safe, knowing that when you walk the street with me I can Crane Kick a rude man’s nose into his skull, silencing his brain. He would die, but your love for me would only grow stronger.

Yes, it is true you want a killer; I know this because I read great books, like The Way of the Superior Man.

I am superior and you shall be my Yin Princess, but know, my love–I am at one with the Tao of nature’s plans as children are my passion. After years of great study and hard work I am now a sensei with a dojo in Silver Spring, Maryland—it’s on South Street next to the Chuck E. Cheese and the Dollar Tree. I am working with an undisciplined class of yellow belts; it is a tough yet rewarding calling to make lambs into lions. It is also pays more than even the greatest sushi chefs make in all of Tokyo.

Now that I have achieved true success and all my personal goals are fulfilled, I am ready to find a special woman and karate chop the wooden board that guards her heart from love.

Are you that woman?

If you are, get ready because . . .


That is the sound great ninja masters make before destroying all that blocks the flow of chi (Taoism for sexual energy). Even if you have stone around your heart, I will break it with great conversation and even better saki.

My masculine presence and ability to eat sushi without ever dropping it will lead to visiting my timeshare two-bedroom, one-bath home overlooking the Concord Mountains in New Hampshire. I will then teach you the art of tantric sex where a mere minute of pleasure is all you will need with me and that is what I will choose to give you.

Now, I know what you are thinking, “An adult relationship is not just about mind-blowing tantric sex; what will I do with you when I am not having orgasms that give me visions from the Tibetan Book of The Dead?”

Excellent question. A superior man also has superior hobbies. Besides being reigning champion of the flag football team, The Silver Spring S.T.U.D.S, I enjoy action movies of great quality involving the masters: Norris, Segal, Chan, Li, and that balding English guy in The Transporter movies. In the summer, I like to go lake fishing using only my hands, catching trout and unleashing the Zen bear inside me. For relaxation, besides meditating, I like to watch “Shark Tank.”

These are all activities you can be a part of: picture yourself rooting for me and The S.T.U.D.S, holding my hand on my IKEA couch as we watch Chuck break a man’s arm with his stare, and you sunbathing naked by the lake as I catch trout using the vibrating palm touch of death that will lead to a delicious meal of raw sushi. And, of course, tantric sex whenever I want it. These are the things dreams are made of, all you must do now is send your Yang Master a full body pic and we will make it a reality.

Sayonara, my Sweet Yin Princess.




About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep'd by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

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