HOLDING A CAT: 35% Vaginal Dryness
Women do like cats but they don’t like seeing men hold them (unless it is their own cat). The Tumblr site: Cute Guys Holding Cats is an evolutionary novelty, and ironically a man walking his dog can increase vaginal wetness up to 43% of its normal levels.
BAD JEANS WORN UNIRONICALLY: 42% Vaginal Dryness
Ugly, crappy jeans looking sloppy and shoddy have a chilling effect on the vagina. As far as jeans brand go anything bought at K-Mart or Walmart are a no-go. Mostly these are blue jeans that are the uniform color of NCCA power houses like the Duke Blue Devils or the North Carolina Tarheels. There is an exception if she is a hipster, as hipster chicks find unattractiveness attractive. Hipsters are another example of evolutionary novelties by creating a philosophy of irony that overpowers biology.
DANCING SKILLS OF UNBEARABLE WHITENESS: 55% Vaginal Dryness
Bad dancing skills at a club can make the coldness of the ice in her screwdriver or Bayberry Breeze travel all the way down to her vagina. This type of dancing is difficult to describe but it involves movements of: stiffness, strange hand gestures, asymmetrical movements to the left and to the right, and any Caucasian man doing The Dougie.
SPECIFIC T-SHIRTS OF UNSEXINESS: 62-70% Vaginal Dryness
A cool t-shirt can actually increase vaginal wetness up to 35%, but certain shirts can cause extreme vaginal dryness. The first is anything to do with wizards, which leads to 62% vaginal dryness (unless she is really into Harry Potter, then 13% dryness); video game characters, 67%—this symbolically shows lack of style, laziness, and poor social skills; or any shirt with the words “fart,” “blow me,” “chick magnet,” or “The Man,” with an arrow pointing down, “The Legend,” which can cause up to 70% vaginal dryness.
READING BAD POETRY: 74% Vaginal Dryness
There is great polarity in reading poetry; if you read mediocre to good poetry about love, it can actually increase vaginal wetness up to 45%, but bad poetry can cause 74% dryness. The author is a poet and can attest to witnessing this as I have heard much bad poetry and have seen the same facial expression as when watching a white man dancing badly.
MESSY, DIRTY ROOM: 79% Vaginal Dryness
A messy room is an unattractive thing; it kills the sexual mode and no matter what the temperature of the room, the mess will make the vagina cold and dry. There is no denying it, a messy sloppy room will increase vaginal dryness up to 79%. The only way this can be stopped is if you have an acoustic guitar in the room and can quickly play a song in A-Minor or B-Flat and use the words “love.” The author can attest to this.
ORDERING A SOY BURGER: 83% Vaginal Dryness
It is only 10% if with vegan, 25% with vegetarian, 83% if with a herbivore. The author must clarify that this is specific only to soy burgers as a black bean burger at the Korzo Haus Vegi is neutral. It is only the soy burger that causes extreme dryness, which is also biological as soy causes men to lose testosterone and grow man boobs, which can be sensed by the female. The only time a man can do this is if he is 6’4”, extremely good-looking, and/or a rock star then he can eat whatever the fuck he wants without any ill effect.
JOBLESS AND LIVE WITH MOM: 91% Vaginal Dryness
If you do not have a job and live with your mom there is not much you can do to stop the dryness. If the man has a great sob story about being recently fired or helping take care of his mother, and the woman feels slight sympathy, it can lessen the dryness to as low as 17%. Men excluded from causing dryness: Tortured Artists, War Vets, and Drug Dealers/Gang Members with Swag, on House Arrest.
WEARING A SNUGGIE: 99.3% VAGINAL DRYNESS
There is absolutely nothing sexy about a Snuggie. The Snuggie will keep everything warm except for the vagina. Even if a man is at a baseball game drinking, and is 6’4”, eating a steak, and is extremely good-looking and/or a rock star, it does not matter—the Snuggie leaves every woman with a desert dry vagina.
Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor writer and co-publisher of New English Press. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks and Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_ and Christophpaulauthor.com.