New Evolutionary Psychology Study Shows Men Who Send Sexual Private Messages on Facebook Are Least Likely To Reproduce

The Evolutionary Psychology Department of Dartmouth published a peer-reviewed study on the sexual attractiveness and sexual experience of men who send Private Messages on Facebook. In the sample survey of the 1032 men selected, those who sent sexual messages and compliments to strangers were the least likely to reproduce.

Head scholar of the study, Dr. Javin Middlesen, was nonplussed by the results, “From a mathematical standpoint the results were dumbfounding, logic would state males who sent out the most sexual advances would have the most sex, but our results were antithetical to the mathematical thesis.”

Middlesen’s study saw a high correlation of what they labeled Direct-Message Intentional Copious Kinship or D.I.C.K. behavior contained highly negative qualities that made the men undesirable. Middlesen explained, “In our sample of the 1032 men selected, those who engaged in D.I.C.K. behavior had the lowest scores in social skills, self-esteem, self-discipline, intelligence, work skills, ambition, and penis girth while being higher in narcissism, destructive behaviors, video game usage, and age-development. While men themselves give higher value to physical beauty for sexual desire, it is only one facet for what female homo-sapiens value… it appears big D.I.C.K.’s produce little attraction on or off-line.”

In the non-academic world the study has been discredited and attacked on Social Media sites like Reddit, 4Chan, and those who classify themselves as “Gamergaters”. Dr. Middlesen’s own YouTube channel where he reviews other scientific journals and Radiohead albums was attacked viciously as well. “My YouTube site,” Dr. Middlesen reflected,”is for personal use, but the vitriol I received on my review of the new Radiohead song Burn The Witch made me understand the female psychology of their lack of attraction to these men—they come off as insecure, angry, aimless, and passive aggressive. Most of these men had pictures of Japanese carton characters and memes—the Internet term—not the Richard Dawkins definition provided his great work The Selfish Gene. To speak in lay man’s term, I can now understand why no women want to fuck them.”


Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor writer and co-publisher of New English Press. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks and Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_ and


About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep'd by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

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