The Cavs vs. Warriors Game Will Decide The 2016 Election

If the Cavs win Donald Trump has no chance to win the election. He needs Ohio and West Pennsylvania citizens to be as miserable as possible to give him any hope of becoming president. If Cleveland wins tonight, Trump will lose. A Cleveland Cavaliers championship will be a year’s worth of Prozac for many downtrodden Ohioans people. The doomed Cavaliers winning would be a sign of justice, hope, and optimism for Ohio and West Pennsylvania fans.

But if the Cavaliers lose, Trump’s odds go up.

Right now, Trump winning the presidency looks very unlikely. The demographics and math are terrible for Trump. His unfavorable are high with women, Hispanics, and African-Americans. His only hope would be to peal off white suburban female votes in the suburbs of Ohio, and Pennsylvania, and Michigan, and Virginia. Forget Florida, he already lost it, but to get those other swing states he’d need to unleash a curse. A curse that is only possible with a Cleveland loss.

Misery spreads. The suburban Ohio white males, who live and die for their sports team, will be crushed by another Cleveland disappointment. They will see the Browns be even worse than last year, and think about how Lebron just couldn’t get them through Game 7. They start treating their wives and kids worse by mid September, and their wives do the same to their friends and neighbors.

A psychic gloom spreads out of Cleveland, and enters Western PA, West Virginia, and travels to Virginia. A misery that Trump can use by directing it at Obama and Hillary.

The white women in the suburbs might be doing pretty well financially but their husbands are even more miserable than in 2008. Fuck it, they think, it must be Obama and now this bitch Hillary, they type of woman who thought she was better than them and they probably saw Hillary as Tracy Flick in Election.



I live in a small town in New Hampshire and misery is like a cold. When one person has it, it can spread fast and then everyone has it. With the Cavs Curse spreading around that region, Trump wouldn’t even have to win New Hampshire or even Iowa. If he pulls off OH, PA, VA, and Michigan he will have 273 Electoral votes.


But if Lebron gives Cleveland a championship he’s also given Hillary the presidency, and we can all save a lot of hours worrying about the election. It will already be over.

PS Sorry Cav Fan Republicans…


Christoph Paul is Heat fan but still has love for Lebron. He is also an award-winning humor writer and co-publisher of New English Press. His most recent books are Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks and Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back. Find him on Twitter @Christophpaul_ and


About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep'd by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

Leave a Reply