I’ve been around the block. Not in a bad way… But I consider myself experienced. Because I am.
When you gain experience, you earn an interesting collection of memories that are good, bad, and just plain weird. I don’t know what it says about me but I have a plethora that are weird. So without further ado, here are 5 of the weirdest things guys have said to me during sex.
5. “Your pussy kind of smells like lemons.”
I was 21 and out celebrating in Los Angeles for the weekend with a group of close friends only hours before this little ditty was dropped on me. He was a 32 year old “professional” photographer and more funny than he was charming. To my fellow young women reading this – being an impressionable youth under the influence in a big city does not mix well with spending time alone with older men who cannot even clean their own bedrooms. After approximately 3 too many drinks, we got in a taxi to his place and long story short, he was fucking me doggy style on an unmade bed that reeked of sweat. Before we got to it, I peeled my panties off and climbed on his bed. That’s when he dropped this real prize-winning line. I kid you not, he blurted it out before we even started fucking. If I wasn’t completely wasted, my pussy would’ve been dryer than a sand dune.
4. “You’re gonna make me cum, Kris.”
This was my second boyfriend ever. I was 19, he was 20. And if you saw the title of this article then you know that my name isn’t Kris. However, that was the name of his cousin. Yeah… Let that sink in.
3. “Can I bite your fingernails while we do it?”
Okay so technically this wasn’t exactly during sex, but I was bottomless and his penis was exposed and nearing my vagina when he genuinely asked this. I was 22 at this point, and he was my fourth boyfriend. By then I had settled into the fact that most men are weird. And as a matter of fact, I started to enjoy it. Most of it… You have a thing for feet? Have fun! You want to lick my ass? Help yourself! But this was almost too weird for me. He had a thing for dirty girls. Literally dirty girls. As in he wanted to taste whatever dirt was under my nails — even though there wasn’t any. So I let him the first time, but then when he wanted me to start actively making them dirtier, I had to just say “no.” We all have limits.
2. “I want to do a brother and sister roleplay.”
According to PornHub’s state by state graph of pornographic interests… this isn’t that uncommon, apparently. I was dating this guy, a 27 year old retail manager, very briefly last year and it wasn’t long before he proposed this particular roleplay. Actually, come to think of it, it was our second time having sex. He didn’t have a sister, and so I almost understood the taboo interest from his perspective. It was all make believe. Just dirty talk. But what made me very uncomfortable, more than the roleplay itself, was that he kept demanding I call him my own, real life brother’s name while we had sex. To answer your question, no, I didn’t do it — but that didn’t stop him from trying and getting frustrated.
1. “Stare at the dog’s asshole.”
OKCupid gets a bad wrap nowadays… and it’s pretty deserved. I haven’t met a single guy on there who hasn’t been at least a little creepy in some way. Last summer I hit it off with a guy in his late 20s from Brooklyn. He was cute in a caveman sort of way. We were into each other, but not really into each other, and dated for a while but that fizzled out. So we decided it was best to become friends with benefits. He didn’t have to listen to me ramble about why my friends suck and I didn’t have to listen to him talk to me about his budding graphic tee startup. We just fucked. What I liked about him was that he was dominant. He didn’t hesitate to rip my panties off and go to town after the vibe had been established. I learned a lot of new things from him. A lot of very interesting things. But then those things shifted in a very unwelcome direction. I noticed after a while that, whenever I visited his apartment, he would bring up his dog and the fact it was so humpy, just endlessly horny. He always talked about it in a jokey way though, so I never really thought anything of it. But then when we were fucking, appropriately enough doggy style, on his bed, he told me to do something very unusual. “Stare at the dog’s asshole.” His french bulldog was asleep and facing the wall, its butt pointed in our direction. Had he been anyone else, I would’ve likely giggled and been like, “What?” But because he was dominant, and there was a mood set, I didn’t say anything. A couple of seconds passed and he leaned forward and grabbed me by the throat, bringing my body closer to his. He repeated himself. “Stare at the dog’s asshole.” My interest in our sex dropped from 110% to around 5%, but only because his dick was still feeling pretty great. However that 5% evaporated in an instant after he said, “You want to lick it, don’t you?” Because A. I really, really didn’t and B. What the fuck? I pulled away from his dick, picked up my clothes, and ran to the bathroom to get changed like I was being chased by an axe murderer. He was immediately apologetic, standing outside the door and trying to explain that it was a big misunderstanding — that he thought that’s what I was looking at and thinking about on my own, but I was done. Once I left that apartment I never spoke to or saw him again. The lesson? Don’t always listen to your dom. Even if your clit wants you to believe otherwise, he’s just a regular guy with dirty thoughts.
Jenn Camp is a writer and graphic designer from Queens, New York.