Ask Maddie: Bizarro Advice Column

Dear Maddie,

I was trying to invoke Satan and accidentally invoked the ghost of Margaret Thatcher instead. Now she’s bugging me, telling me about how privatizations can help my country. How do I get rid of her? And more importantly, how do I properly invoke Satan?

Sincerely,

Pedro Proença 

It’s vital that you do not touch her or allow her toxins to get anywhere on your clothes or furnishings. Put on some marigolds and if you have long tongs so much the better.

Catch her while she’s at the height of one her speeches, she’ll be less likely to notice your actions. Grip her as tight as you can with the tongs and place her in a clear plastic bag. I can’t stress enough how careful you have to be, keep the spot of infection localized to as small a space as you can.

Once she’s in the bag tie it tight with cable ties and place on the compost. Late at night you’re bound to hear her still mumbling away about a ‘better Britain’ and ‘good old fashioned values’ but don’t worry, she’ll stop eventually. Give the carpet a good old scrub and you’re good to go.

Whatever you do DON’T make the mistake of thinking you can keep her as a pet. No hutch is strong enough when she decides now is the time to mutate and roam all major cities causing mass destruction. Others have learned that the hard way and you don’t want to suffer the loneliness of going into hiding.

As for summoning the devil, have you never heard of common etiquette? Just send him an RSVP written in virgin’s blood, silly.

Dear Maddie,

Even as I write, these word larvae are wrapping themselves in cocoons and metamorphosing into words of eye-dropping beauty, but becoming so delicate that I cannot even spit on them lest they fall to the floor, dripping their death all over the rug. And now the room smells like spit. Help!

Sincerely,

Goathead Buckley 

May I recommend the freshest cleaning products from our range Hell Bugs B Gone? Just give the room a spray and all scent of death, spit and filthy underwear will disappear anon. However it will stain every surface with blood so you’ll have to follow it with Hell Bugs B Gone Remover Blood B Gone. However that releases a toxic ooze that has a nasty habit of clinging to carpets and cushions so you’ll need to follow it up with Hell Bugs B Gone Remover Blood B Gone Ooze No More. However that unleashes a horde of raging ghouls so you’ll need to purchase Hell Bugs B Gone Remover Blood B Gone Ooze No More Abolish Those Angry Ghouls! However it would be remiss of me not to inform you of the Hell Gates that would open so you’ll need Hell Bugs B Gone Remover Blood B Gone Ooze No More Abolish Those Angry Ghouls! Hell Gates Super Door Closer. That will probably be fine, but if you have any further complaints they will be left in a folder on the desk of an amorphous blob who’s going to be fired next week.

For more Madeleine check out madeleineswann.com

Her NBAS book Rainbows Suck available on Amazon