Dear Maddie, the fabric of my car’s interior takes me to the brink and back every time I drive. Can you offer any advice?

Ian Willingham (@scienco) 

I’m not one to judge another’s love affairs but dear God, what a whore. Have you no consideration for the lonely souls who’s morning and evening drive is a drudgery? What do you think they would say if they turned to you in the traffic lights and saw your sweaty tomato face on the brink of orgasm? How dare you ruin the lives of hundreds of working men and women looking to make an honest wage?

Of course this would all be different if you are intending to marry the fabric in question, then I can have no objections and all is as it should be. If that is the case might I urge you to contact Channel 4 (UK) or MTV (America) as they love this stuff and will probably give you your own series as long as you promise to play up your differences. Perhaps ask your mother to pretend to be prejudiced? However watch out for the camera crew adding unexpected curtains/rugs etc at the wedding reception in order to turn your head. Unless, of course, you and the fabric have an open relationship, in which case I will personally see to it that such filth is never shown.

Dear Maddie–I am having problems with rodents, particularly a certain squirrel that likes to pee on me. This isn’t some kind of sexual quirk…can’t speak for the squirrel. But what does it mean?

Alex S. Johnson 

Here in the Old Country the legend of Pissy the Squirrel is an oft repeated tale. Many a night British and Irish folk regale each other round a campfire (we don’t have houses yet, we’re saving up) with tales of Pissy. Some say he’s a red squirrel and if he pisses on your left arm you will win the lottery and probably a bunch of other things. Others say he’s a grey squirrel and if he pisses on your right arm you will be dead within ten minutes, though not before your head shrinks and collapses in on itself.

However others say he’s either red or grey, or maybe albino. He might piss on the left arm, or the right, or perhaps elsewhere. Maybe in your eye, maybe the face, who can say. These people say that he brings neither good or bad luck, but your organs will fuse together and begin a slow journey to your left ear where they will exit forthwith in a big unpleasant pile at your feet. However these people are cretinous simpletons who were long ago cast out to the tree with the weird knobbly bits. Sometimes I bring them cake, they look sad.

If you have a weird question for Madeleine Swann email her at with the subject line Ask Maddie. Please include your website.

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New book Rainbows Suck available on Amazon.


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