ASK MADDIE: AN ADVICE COLUMN FROM AUTHOR MADELEINE SWANN

Dear Maddie, I’m a happily married woman but I sometimes feel bored, like I’m missing out on life.

It’s perfectly natural to feel like we’re missing excitement in our lives. You could try seeing your friends more regularly, starting a book club or taking up bee keeping, but those suggestions are trite and who wants trite, are you with me?

Don’t tell anyone of your plans, they’ll only try to drag you back to cubesville with all the other squares. Strip down and paint yourself green, then run out into the streets intermittently shrieking YOLO and ‘hashtag living the dream.’ Sure, one or two fuddy duddies will call the cops but it’s up to you to shake the system. One possibilty is leaving a crap by the police car or, if you know the law officer in question, it might be nice to say “if you arrest me I’ll tell everyone what you did.”

Perhaps inform them that their lives are one big plastic hassle and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Police love a game of catch, especially when it’s not made too easy for them. If they grab you, struggle as much as possible and make sure you flail those limbs! It’ll be a fond memory for everyone involved and there’ll be plenty of youtube videos as keepsakes.

 Dear Maddie, I don’t feel I’m bonding with my baby. I love him but don’t feel as close to him as maybe I should.

A surprisingly common problem with a few easy solutions. Simply use the key birthed out with your child to open the door at the top of his head. It may be a little stiff but give it a good shove and you’ll get there. Now descend the stairs unfolding into the darkness before you, and don’t let those stellar spirals or traveling kaleidoscopic clouds knock you into the void.

Soon you’ll land in a forest of giant dolls weeping tears for obsolete electrical goods. As long as you don’t get sucked into a conversation about the wonders of Betamax you’ll be fine – keep your head down and walk quickly. Make sure you don’t touch any of the trees either, you’ll never wash off the smell of gravy.

Eventually you’ll reach a cave. Inside will be the angriest man in a bobble hat tapping furiously at a phone. He is the key, you must cheer him in order to improve your relationship with your child. Might I suggest an evening of poetry, or perhaps a song and dance routine? Once he is distracted remove the phone from his hands and take it back with you, lack of access to social networks will keep him happy.

Once you’ve returned, lock the phone and the key in a drawer, no one else must touch them. Any contact from a person of this dimension will be flesh meltingly unpleasant.

Alternatively you could try restoring your child to factory settings, the switch is on the left buttock. For further suggestions try mumsnet.

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Find more about Madeline here: madeleineswann.com

Her new book is “Rainbows Suck”.