Ask Maddie: An Advice Column from Author Madeleine Swann

Eyes Without a Face (1960)

Dear Maddie, I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me. What should I do?

A difficult situation. I suggest holding off anally invading him head first, fighting your way to his center and bursting through his mouth, as appealing an idea as that is. We need facts before action.

Forget talking to him, such things are for hippies from LA. The Victorians had the right idea, children should be kept in cupboards and partners facing the opposite direction always. No, the first thing you must do is visit our website and buy the latest stalking gear. When you get a black all in one lycra outfit and ski mask we throw in a free pair of LED heels – there’s no need to let our looks suffer. You could also try one of our false moustaches, he’ll never guess it’s you. The Salvador Dalis are currently half price.

Let’s say you catch the cad at it. Perhaps you’ve followed him to the milkshake shack and seen him with a strapping young man or a waif with hair as black as velvet night, skin the colour of desert sand and lips that have whispered a thousand secrets. You could run in all Cheaters and start throwing things, but what a lost opportunity.

Bear Traps are an option, call and tell him his entire family died in the woods and he’ll come running. Watch from a hillock to get the full visual effect.

Another possibility is to wait until they leave and charge them atop an Acme Rocket Sled. This may result in the deaths of everyone in the vicinity but what do you care, you’ll be dead, right? Or at the very least in prison but hey, you’ll be famous.

Yet another is to stoke your anger to such a boiling point that it opens a portal to a realm previously unknown to man, sending lava of pure hate bursting into the world like rage pus. No sooner will it shatter the building containing the ingenuous pair than their flesh will scald and erupt into blisters bigger than a tiny meteorite. Perhaps they will mutate into hideous slugs, incapable of speech or sight and forever doomed to squelch across the earth causing mass panic. No doubt the townsfolk will form a mob and chase them down, perhaps crush them beneath heavy things or lock them in a zoo where they’ll be forced to endure the stares and points of those who were once peers. It’s just a thought.

Of course, the final scenario is equally as plausible. Say nothing, continue as normal, and wait. You laugh together, go on holiday together, live your lives as a pair. However when their feeble, aged legs can’t carry them into the next room to take their life giving pills, hold the bottle just out of reach. Once he realises you’re not handing them over say, “wish you hadn’t messed around now, huh?” The look on his face will be priceless and will give you a good laugh for the one or two years you’ll have left.

So there we have it, a fool proof guide to the healthiest ways to deal with your little problem. Good luck!

When Maddie isn’t answering those in need she writes Bizarro Fiction. Her latest book was “Rainbows Suck” published by Eraserhead Press.



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