The Redundancy of Names

Here in my town, the local high school sports team is called the Cobblers, which is weird. Another high school nearby is called the Raiders. When I went to high school, we were the Wild Cats, which is offensive to cats. It’s stereotypical. Not all cats are wild. In fact, some are quite tame, friendly even, helping little old ladies across streets, attending church regularly, and voting Republican.

I don’t get the name Cobblers for a team. I’m sure I could dial up a reasoning and a history for the name on the internet, but fuck that shit, man. I groove on mystery. I am reminded of a meme I saw once:


What’re the coach’s locker room pep talks like? “Ok, kids, we’re going out there today and we’re really gonna put a fixin’ on those shoes!” I imagine the mascot as some dude in a giant shoe costume, running around firing up the hometown crowd.

You know, if you really sit down and think about it, America is one weird-ass country.

True, we invented a lot of wonderful technological shit, like the machine gun, the atomic bomb, and strawberry-flavored noninflammatory anal lube, but we also invented cheerleaders.

I’m pretty down with the recent sports team name changing frenzy. Up in North Dakota, the university dropped the name “The Fighting Sioux.” They are now called the Beige Drapes. “Redskins” is particularly blatant. For years there have been calls for the team to change its name, but if they do will the Kansas City Chiefs have to change theirs?

I think the Washington Redskins should change their name, and I think it should have a hometown, Washington, DC, vibe. I vote for the Corrupt Cocksucking Asskissing Buttfucking Politicians.

Yeah, I like that. It sounds like a team I could really get behind–if you know what I mean.


About Michael Kindt

Michael Kindt lives in the Black Hills of South Dakota. He has determined to die there. Soon, probably. Books by Kindt:

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