Iowa Republicans Nominate First Pedophile Vampire For President


Ted Cruz won 27.7% of the Iowa Caucus, showing that everyday Americans are ready for a Pedophile Vampire to be president. Normally, this would be a deal breaker but Evangelicals decided that a Pedophile Vampire who was also a Christian best represented their values. This was a tough realization for Donald Trump, but there is a rumor that if he loses to Cruz again, he will take the offer and dream to finally act. Mr. Trump is in talks to do a reboot of Death Wish if there are similar results in New Hampshire and South Carolina. Mark Rubio is already making the case why pedophile vampires shouldn’t be presidents. He is bringing garlic to New Hampshire. It shall be a tough battle.


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