#OscarsSoWhite: An Oral History

An open dialogue with the many forces that brought this issue to the fore, what it means to the future of our entertainment industry.

Film-Essence-Perry

TYLER PERRY AND SPIKE LEE

Tyler Perry: This is a very important cultural moment. Cheryl Boone Isaacs and me orchestrated this event all along. She’s changed the academy membership process finally! Time for my proxy warriors to infiltrate the system! Mooo Hooo Haha! Next year I plan on winning best director for Boo! A Madea Halloween!

SPIKE LEE: Not on my watch, sucka! Didn’t I squash your coonery bafoonery at that interview at the Ourwold event?

TYLER PERRY: Spike?! How did you climb all the way up here? I thought you were in VOD purgatory over at Gravitas Ventures!

LEE: Chi-Raq grossed 2.6 million in just 300 theatres trick! That per screen average was almost the same as The Single Moms Club. Plus Amazon Studios is with me for the legacy.

PERRY: How touching. I own soundstages muthafucka. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a top secret dinner with Obama.

 

Tyler Perry walks off and teleports into a karmic spider web.

Spike takes out his honorary Oscar from his attache’ case. He looks at it fondly. A single tear runs down his cheek.

 

LEE: One day, we’ll all have 40 acres and a mule.

 

donald_trump_stacey_dash_split

STACEY DASH AND DONALD TRUMP

THE DONALD: I heard you on Fox News, Stacey. Terrific. I have to say your speech really blew my mind!

STACEY DASH: It’s true, Donald. Blacks need to decide whether or not they’re gonna either infiltrate existing systems or choose self-bordered and financed sovereignty.

 

Donald Trump gets out a pen and pad.

 

DONALD: I like that. Let me get this down. 

DASH: The For-Us/By-Us model of black business has long been an option. It failed for the Post Cross Colors and Rocawear hip hop fashion… because there was a desire in the community to not live life in a segregated bubble of black fashion. The people instead flocked to luxury brands traditionally bought by withered white women. Which, ironically, is where it started in the ’70s.

DONALD: Uh huh.

DASH: Will the black artistic community be satisfied with their stories elevated by likeminded gate keepers? A greater proliferation of empathic respect for this craft? Or will they extend to punishing whites for attempting to represent diversity in their own projects? Represent, or as people love to call it nowadays “appropriate?” Should white artists kill themselves?

DONALD: I could build a wall around both groups.

DASH: Oh, Donald! Now it’s time for my notepad!

 

Stacey takes out her notepad and begins scribbling. Donald smiles.

 

tarantino-xlarge

QUENTIN TARANTINO AND STEVE MCQUEEN

Steve Mcqueen types on a typewriter and sips tea.

Tarantino approaches cautiously

 

QUENTIN TARANTINO: Hey, uh, Steve?

STEVE MCQUEEN: Oh, hello.

TARANTINO: Hey, good to see you. I’m in London with a retrospective, and, uh, Hateful Eight press.

McQUEEN: Oh.

TARANTINO: Yeah, uh listen man. We have some mutual friends and I pretty much know you saw Django. I know you said you didn’t in the press, or didn’t mention anything specific about it. All you said was this kind of subliminal dig that it’s good I’m employing black actors.

McQUEEN: Uh huh.

TARANTINO: Ok, I’m not mad, I’m just trying to say, that I saw 12 Years A Slave. I’m just gonna leave that out in the open. And it wasn’t exactly my thing, but you deserved that Oscar, man. You’re one of our essential voices.

McQUEEN: Thank you.

 

Pause.

 

TARANTINO: Ok. You know what, man? I just did something I didn’t have to do. I used logic to meet you halfway, buster. I’m not insecure here! I don’t think you have to rack your brain to know the important evolution of cinematic culture that I represent. So for you to just stand there and barely look up from your tea. That’s not passive, Steve, that’s an active statement. What are you trying to say through that passive statement, Stevie?

McQUEEN: I don’t care for your work.

 

Tarantino laughs and coughs with raised eyebrows

 

TARANTINO: You don’t? Ok. Fine. What do you like?

McQUEEN: Ozu, Godard, Henri-Georges Clouzot. Same as you really.

TARANTINO: Oh, that’s great.

McQUEEN: I think we just veer off at a certain point like anyone, I suppose.

TARANTINO: Like what?

McQUEEN: Like, I’m a Libra, and you’re…

TARANTINO: Aries

McQUEEN: The relationship between an Arian and a Libran will be based on a strong emotional attraction. An Arian does not give a thought to the consequences before taking any decision, whereas a Libran is prone to weigh the pros and cons before arriving at a decision.

TARANTINO: Oh so you deal with slavery more carefully?

McQUEEN: Your characters really say nigger too much, QT.

TARANTINO: Fuck you!

 

Tarantino smashes his tea on the floor.

 

McQUEEN: It’s a politicized time. There’s not much room for unchecked fetishism.

 

Tarantino bumps into waiter and slams cafe door.

 

McQUEEN: Shock value.

 

He continues to type.

  

“I hereby put this in the public domain. Perform this at your school theatre.”

-Gregg Golding

Advertisements

About Gregg Golding

Gregg Golding is a writer and director who grew up equal parts in the San Francisco Bay Area and "The 6" (Toronto). He is of Jamaican and Irish Heritage and his favorite arachnids are Uropygids. He is the Director of the feature film 'Cosplay Fetish Battle Drones' (2015) and the upcoming '001 Trolling' and 'Illuminati Puppet.' He currently lives, and works in Los Angeles.

Leave a Reply