The Next Generation is Going to Be Fucking Insane

No matter what your parents insist upon, you’re likely to do the opposite. It’s nature, the unwritten rule of western society. Nuclear families of the 1940s and ‘50s spawned the drugged out, hippie fuckheads of the 1960s, and they gave way to the rebellious youth of the ‘70s and yuppie scum of the 1980s.

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VICE Founder Gavin McInnes debating (trolling) Fox News correspondent Tamara Holder

Today we’re burdened (or some would argue ‘blessed’) with “PC-culture run amuck.” Trigger warnings, book bannings, and ‘oversensitive’ college students were once interesting—now boring—subjects covered by major news outlets and opinionated bloggers. But let’s face it… it’s tired material.

Comedians vs. feminists, writers vs. students, honestly, who gives a fuck? Short of a full on fascist invasion led by party leaders on both sides, nothing drastic is going to happen regarding censorship and the trend of people getting fired for making bigoted remarks. What is going to change, though, is the culture.

In time our priorities will shift. Today young people are fighting for equality; they’re fed up with the powers at be and the unequal balance in our social landscape. Because of that, these kids are being what many before them chose not to be – responsible. Lives are on the line and everybody is accountable. With the gift of the internet, there’s hardly ever a moment where you don’t stumble upon some kind of atrocity going on in the world. It’s led to a greater sense of alertness, but also a variety of self-imposed restrictions and hastily made accusations.

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Raging feminist Chanty Binx, 2013

Millennials, in fifteen years time, will be no different than the middle class, suburban white people that voted Reagan and happily drank Jolt Cola throughout the 1980s. But where does that lead the incoming generation? Are we to assume that they’ll stick to our values and take heed to our emphasis on politically correct culture? The answer, for anyone with at least one working brain cell, should be no. If history has taught us anything it’s that prior events are guaranteed to repeat themselves in the most unusual ways. The children that will be spawned of our collective, hypersensitive womb will in turn be the most vile, offensive cretins to grace this land.

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Miley Cyrus… ‘performing’

At first the ‘2edgy4u’ kids will be mistaken for a Miley Cyrus cult, until the rest arrive in droves… 2015’s twenty-something feminists will grow up to be no different than the soccer-moms of the 1980s that rebelled against bands like Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden for perpetuating Satanic themes, only this time it’ll be white cries of ‘cultural appropriation.’ Every post-millennial adolescent’s father will be like Harrison Ford circa 1998, when he took on the single hooped earring in a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Instead of tossing the pigskin around, he’ll ask his forcibly-imposed agendered child, “Hey bud, how about we read some Bell Hooks and watch a couple of Roggenbuck videos?” To which the child will respond, “Fuck off, pops.” Cue the ineffective parenting.

Excess always leads to a downfall. In this case, it’ll be the ripple started by Generation X. The over-protective helicopter parenting, the bedtime story of ‘equality without corruption’, and the ‘everyone deserves a trophy’ mentality that millennials were subjected to will not quite rub off on the generation to come. They’ll have been born to untrusting idealists, those burnt by the vision of life as described by their parents. The prospect of deserving it all but being incapable of earning such will be instilled in them from an early age. It will frustrate the incoming youth and prompt them toward outward rebellion.

Does that mean there will be a guaranteed resurgence in sales for studded leather jackets and dye for colorful mohawks? Probably not. They’ll rebel in a way completely foreign to us now. Maybe the popular thing will be sending self-recorded colonoscopy videos, it’s impossible to predict the future.

There is one thing to be done in preparation for what’s to come, though. And that’s to cease being such hard-asses about everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. However, even that will only scale away a minor bit of the backlash to come. We’ve pinned ourselves into a corner. Soon they will join the ever-growing list of problems we’ve elected to take on as part of our responsibility.

Jayme Karales is the author of Disorderly and Practice Makes Perfect. Follow him on Twitter @JaymeKarales