My New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Of An Asshole

I’m an asshole. Not a big or a violent one, but I’m still an asshole. There are different types of assholes. I’m a Steve Jobs type of asshole, that’s when if I see something that I find fucking stupid or not up to par, I want tell the person how fucking stupid they are and then shame them for being so god damn moronic.

Actually I’m probably more James Spader’s character in The Secretary which my girlfriend enjoys but this isn’t an S&M post.

It’s a post about being an asshole and I see it’s really not nice and constructive to always be an asshole. Don’t get me wrong, the asshole mentality has positive attributes: accountability, standards, and letting people know they don’t deserve a participation trophy or a parade for just showing up.

Like the body part, assholes release bottled up putrid things inside us and does the ugly job of getting rid of all that shit. We need assholes but we don’t need an asshole every moment of the day.

There are tradeoffs for assholeism.

Just like some people have a tendency to be an asshole, other people have more innate sensitive dispositions. Many people of this nature tend to be talented and also like to take risks usually in the creative sphere. These people need nurturing. They need a nipple not an asshole, or more precisely, they need to be approached from the heart, not from the asshole.

Us assholes need to realize we do a shitload of stupid things as well. Anytime you do anything that could be interesting or entertaining, there is always a chance of you just looking really fucking stupid. It is so much easier to do nothing and judge others silently and smugly.

I take risks in most areas in my life and many times I’ll also end up looking really fucking dumb, but that is how progress gets made–trial and error. As an asshole I could give a shit what most people think, but there are others who care and can be easily hurt by pointing out their flawed choices. These people are not weak, they just have different temperaments. They usually are best at connecting to people and giving them inspiration. Like the asshole, they serve a role.

We assholes aren’t bad, we just have pick the appropriate time to be an asshole. We should all make resolutions, not to stop being assholes, but to make an effort to be assholes only to those who deserve it. My New Year’s Resolution is to only be an asshole to those who were assholes to me. Everyone else I will treat with kindness and understanding.

Happy New Years Fuckers,


About Christoph Paul

Nice Jewish boy who writes mean books. Publisher of New English Press. Rep'd by Veronika Boom and writes Bizarro Erotica as Mandy DeSandra.

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