The Ghosts of Jerking Off: A Christoph Carol
My laptop was positioned perfectly on my bed. I was looking at Tubegalore.com but I was not sure what topic to pick when I heard a ghostly voice echo in my studio apartment, “Chrisssstoppph, Chrissstoph, do not jerk off. For I am the ghost of jerk off past.”
Annoyed because I was interested in jerking off to ‘Big Natural Tits’ I told the ghost, “Can you wait til I am done? This is so not cool.”
The ghost appeared in physical form. He was an early twenty-something in a wheel-chair. He rolled up to my bed and said, “No Chrisssstopppph. I am here because you have wasted too much time jerking off. You have missed key moments in your life because you were too busy masturbating.”
“I highly doubt that, ghost.”
“It is true. I will show you. For I am the Ghost of Jerk Off Past.”
“You already told me … shit, alright … I don’t have band practice and I can catch ‘You’re The Worst’ on FxNow.”
The ghost rolled closer to me and said, “Sit on my lap it is OK. Unlike you, I don’t get erections and waste time playing with them. I can’t.”
We were then transported to the day I first jerked off; I was humping the bed watching Silk Stalking. I finished and saw the happiest look on my face.
The Ghost of Jerk Off Past said, “This would change things for you Christoph; you would now like to smoke marijuana and masturbate instead of playing sports. But what you would not understand is that you would miss out on living a healthy teenage life, and it would affect ooooooothers.”
“Dude, I was jerking off and smoking pot. That is like the least harmful thing in the world.”
“Not truuuuuue!” protested the Ghost, “You were an excellent defender in soccer; as you had the soccer nickname ‘the wall’ for your ability to make defensive stops but you gave up on sports. On a weeknight after you smoked a bowl and masturbated to the brunette on ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’, a jewish boy from Boca Raton played defense at your usual spot and when I was going to beat him and get a good shot he tripped me and now I am paralyzed for lliiiiiiiffeeee.”
I felt real guilt for the ghost.
I was good at many sports but jerking off and smoking pot was way more fun.
I looked at his dead legs and said, “Dude. I am sorry for your accident. I truly am, but that wasn’t my fault man. Hell, maybe, I would have headbutted you and you’d be brain-damaged. My nickname was also Concussion Christoph.”
The ghost rolled backwards and said “Look forward, Christoph, I will show you a collage of what you missed, for your teenage life of masturbation time equaled 2 months and 3 weeks.”
The soccer scene changed and I saw a picture show of me doing healthy and fulfilling activities: from learning to cook pasta with my mom, helping my Grandma in her garden and I even won a debate for the debate team because I studied the questions instead of masturbating that night to a girl named Dasha, who was on the debate team, and that win impressed her so much that we ended up making out and I got a hand job…then the screen went away and I was back in my bed looking at Tubegalore.
I shook my head wondering if I had been getting enough sleep and clicked on ‘Big Natural Tits’ to jerk off, but then I heard another ghost but he sounded less lame and said, “No bro, put the dick down, and grab a 7-string d-tuned guitar!”
I looked up and it was the diseased singer from ‘Drowning Pool’ well, I didn’t know that at first until he said, “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies … stop, don’t hit your body. For I am the Ghost of Jerk Off Present.”
“Oh, hey dude, you know, I wasn’t that into that nu-metal shit but I thought ‘Bodies’ was a catchy song. Wait, why would you be against jerking off. You, guys seemed like you did a lot of jerking before ‘Bodies’ took off and you got a lot of chicks.”
“It’s true bro, but I am telling your right now, what I wish someone told me. You could be playing guitar and coming up with an awesome song instead of jerking off.”
I looked at the Drowning Pool front man ghost and said, “Dude, I work a full-time job, bust my ass songwriting, editing, and writing prose. Man, sometimes I’m just too tired to go look for pussy. I do this to relax.”
“Yeah, me too. At least when I was alive. Nu-metal girls, man, they had stuff … like herpes … but alright. I see that I am not the ghost to teach you to jerk off less. I must bring in the ghost of Jerk Off Future…”
The Drowning Pool Frontman disappeared, and once again I was left by myself, my bed, and my Laptop showing ‘Big Natural Tits’ on Tubegalore. I saw a clip of Carmella Bing and was ready to click on it, but the room shook and before me was the Porn Star, John Holmes.
He adjusted his big penis and said “What up Christoph, I am the Ghost of Jerk Off Future.”
“Wow. It’s an honor Mr. Holmes. When I managed the porn store people still came looking for your movies in the Classics section.”
“Fuck Ron Jermey. I’m the original.”
“Yeah. Respect. So what’s up John?”
“I’m a fucking ghost man, it sucks. You can’t do coke, but when you got a dick like mine you can’t complain. Life is good, I’m getting ghost pussy.”
“Cool. But wait, so you are really The Ghost of Jerk Off Future.”
“Yeah, for now.”
“I just don’t understand Mr. Holmes; why would you be against masturbation.”
“Well, it supported my drug habit but know, Christoph, in the end it all leads to just your dick in your hand. So sit back and let me show you your future.”
The setting changed and I was back in Boca Raton but I was an old man living solo at Century Village. There was some special device on my head and on my dick as John Holmes told me, “In the future after you have had great artistic success, but all you will have left to do is jerk off, which will be better than the real thing in the future. They will have special jerk off devices. I predicted this back in the 70’s but no one took me serious as a thinker. Instead of enjoying the fruits of your labor and having hot tantric sex with Boca Gold Diggers you will just sit and watch reruns of Silk Stalking 3.0 and jerk off or watch old band videos of yourself. It’s a pretty fucking sad way to live.”
“Damn, I will get old and just jerk off all day. I don’t want that.”
“Yeah man, so basically hold it, get out more. Have a wet dream. When I was doing my porn days, I’d never jerk off or even bang chicks so I would have a bigger load … also I was so coked up I would need that extra primal drive to get me through the scene.”
“Damn, John Holmes. I think there is a message here; jerking off should be something you do every once in a while. Like an emergency or a special treat like going to a music festival.”
“Yeah man, take it from a junkie like me. Too much of anything is bad, if I just did coke every once in a while I would have been way better off. So, go save it for your lady and/or groupies. Life is good Christoph, do better things with your hands.”
“I will John Holmes. Thank you, you are a great American and a role model. I will heed your advice.”
“That is the spirit, Christoph, let’s hang when you get up here.”
“I’ll see you in Heaven John Holmes.”