Once upon a time in a magical place named New Jersey there was a young woman named Jane. She had pretty blond hair and liked to drink magical juice that made her forget how boring College was: a place where people read magical books to make their brains bigger.
Jane liked College but her parents thought her major of Fashion Design and the books she read about how to make pretty dresses, were not the proper books to read. But Jane loved pretty dresses and when she drank the magic juice she felt just like a princess and so she used her parent’s credit card to buy dresses and magic juice. This card was a magical card where you can buy lots of magical juice and dresses and someone else pays for it.
On one enchanted evening at a special place called The Green Rock Tap and Grill, there was a special ball called Ladies Night, where all the girls got to be princesses and drink all the magical juice they wanted. Jane and her ugly stepsisters of Alpha Pi loved Ladies Night. That night Jane wore a pretty dress, but she felt lonely; Jane really wanted a Prince to talk to about dresses and how much she loved her favorite Princess named Kim Kardashian, who got money and pretty dresses just for being pretty and having a daddy who made sure men like Robin Hood were always free to have fun.
Many nights Jane wished on a magical star that one day she would be like Kim, but in the end she would settle for just finding a great Prince.
At The Green Rock Tap and Grill Jane sat at a table with ugly step- sisters who were mean to her because she was prettier than all of them, but Jane did not care because she knew that with her striking beauty and smile she had the best of chance of meeting her special Prince. As she drank more magical juice and heard her stepsisters talk about removing unwanted hair from strange places, she saw a handsome Prince walk in, just as the clock struck midnight.
He was tall, had a nice mustache and goatee, and black hair that was spiked just like a crown. She drank more magical juice and the more she drank the more he looked like the special Prince she had always been waiting for since she was a little girl.
A magical song was picked by DJ FistBumpingToMars who, like a pretty bird, could pick the perfect song and have it sing from his speakers to make people fall in love. “Don’t Stop Believin’” put Jane and the Prince under a love spell as he invited her with his handsome smile to dance with him.
She snuck away from her evil stepsisters and she and the Prince met on the ballroom floor and danced like it was a special ball as they glided like doves sliding front to back—dancing very close as the magic juice settled in her stomach—it felt perfect. As the song changed, the Prince told her how beautiful she was and said he had special pixie dust to make them feel even more magical if she followed him to the bathroom. Under the spell of the song “Call Me, Maybe” she followed him to the back in the boy’s room where they sniffed the pixie dust and then kissed—their love was instant.
Now, children; when two adults love each other so much like Jane and the Prince did but don’t put on magical gloves to protect that love— something special happens: a Love Tadpole flies out of the Prince and kisses a magical egg inside the Princess and creates a special magical potion that grows up to be a baby—it is called a Fetus.
It only took two minutes for this magical act to happen as the Prince told Jane when it was done, “That was awesome. You are a cool chick.”
In most fairy tales after the act of Love Tadpole kissing Magic Egg the girl is supposed to become a Queen and the prince a King and they raise their own Prince or Princess together. But sometimes the Prince decides that he is tired and bored and leaves the Princess to go back to his castle he shares with five other Princes to watch Sportscenter—some Princes are not very nice, as this Prince was not.
He left Jane all alone without any pixie dust to help her feel better. But Jane was not alone as she now had a Fetus living in her tummy. And that Fetus was a boy, we will call him Frankie— Frankie the Fetus.
She continued to drink her magic juice that made her forget she was not in Never Never Land but the magic juice was not good for Frankie the Fetus, who continued to grow and she realized he was living in her stomach as the magical egg did not leave its monthly red yoke that feeds the grass and makes flowers grow—instead it fed Frankie the Fetus.
Jane was not ready to have a little Prince and needed a Prince of her own to help with raising a baby and she still had many books to read about how to make pretty dresses and make people from a faraway land called China stitch and tie them. This was just not a good time to have a little Prince.
This disturbed Princess Jane as she was only twenty-one and did not hear back from the Prince.
But sometimes, fair or not, the future Princess doesn’t find the right Prince and is just left with Frankie the Fetus, which makes it much harder to find a good Prince and go to Milan to study abroad for senior year, as Jane wanted to.
She confided in her evil stepsisters about having Frankie the Fetus. Some of her sisters said she should keep the Fetus and make sure it becomes a baby; some said Rush Week was coming in a month and she needed to go see The Fairy Doctor Parenty Pairwood to help the Fetus fly away.
It was very difficult for Jane to decide and she continued to drink the magic juice to feel better. After many nights of tossing and turning she realized she was not ready to be a mommy and did not like the idea of being a Princess without a Prince to marry her. Jane decided to not listen to half of her evil stepsisters. She decided to go to the Fairy Doctor Parenty Pairwood where there was a magical tube to take Frankie out and send him to Heaven.
The next day Jane did not go to College to make her brain bigger. Instead she took a train ride to a land of many Fairies called New York City. She walked out of the train and went into the Fairy Doctor’s house that was made of metal and had a waiting room with other women with Fetuses in their belly. As Jane waited she looked at the other women—they were certainly not Princesses but Jane knew if she let Frankie the Fetus become a Prince without a King she was sure she would end up not a Princess but a waitress or, even worse, cut off from her parents—and she definitely couldn’t go to Europe senior year to study in Milan.
She read her favorite magazine Cosmopolitan as she waited. Jane felt nervous but knew in her heart she could not take care of Frankie the Fetus and felt he would be better if the Fairy Doctor sent him to Heaven. And she didn’t like the idea of getting fat or having stretch marks and then giving the Fetus away to a King or Queen who couldn’t have babies.
The special bell rang and when the door opened there was the Fairy Doctor wearing white with magic glasses to help him see right and make sure that all the Fetuses go to Heaven. He brought Jane to the special room where they kept the magical tube.
As Jane sat near the tube and the Fairy Doctor prepared his magic she wondered if Frankie should get a chance, but she thought she really would not be a good mommy, and Frankie would probably end up doing bad things like snorting pixie dust and then they would have to live in her parents castle where she would not be treated like a Princess. She also thought of Rush Week and that she was so close to getting the scholarship to Milan and finally thought: I’ll have a baby when I am ready, and Frankie the Fetus will be better off going straight to Heaven and me going to Milan next year.
She closed her eyes and shed a tear as the doctor put in the tube to take Frankie the Fetus out of her and into Heaven where puppies play and ice cream is free and there are all the toys a little boy would want.
When they were finished Jane thanked the Fairy Doctor and walked out of the metal house onto the street.
A meanie wearing a golden cross and holding a mean sign told Jane she was not going to Heaven. Jane thought she wasn’t sure if she was going to go to Heaven but she knew at least Frankie the Fetus was now there along with her grandpa and her first dog, Toby. She ignored the meanie and got ready to go back to her ugly stepsisters. She was sad about Frankie the Fetus but happy she could still be in College and one day meet her true Prince. . .
Life went on for Jane.
She felt sad at first but happiness came back to her when she went to Milan and then graduated college.
She forgot what the meanies said and felt grateful for Doctor Parenty Pairhood. He helped her do what she felt was best for her, and in her heart she believed she did what was best for all.
Jane ended up meeting her Prince at Grad School in Rutgers University living moderately happily ever after.