“Eats A Mean Pussy”

…is what I successfully prevented myself from putting in the ‘special skills’ section of this job application I’m filling out.

Yes, at this very moment I’m filling out a job application, not writing this article. It only seems like I’m writing this article now because you are reading it now. I actually wrote it before, in the future.

Whenever I’m filling out a job application, in the ‘in case of emergency, contact’ section, I always put ‘doctor’ because what the fuck is my mother gonna do?

I occasionally look for jobs. Not very often, being lazy. Having a job, I’ve noticed, really cuts into my sitting around time. But, yeah, I occasionally go out and look for them, saying to myself “I’m being a productive member of society!” or some such shit.

The last time I looked for a job was about a month ago. I guess I was bored or something, but I filled out the stupid application and even met the person for an interview. I totally showered for it and everything because I actually kind of wanted to work there. I suspected the place and people would give me lots of material (it was an organic food co-op staffed with hippies and concentration camp thin vegans, a veritable goldmine).

It was a pretty standard interview, except for the last question, which was “What’s your spirit animal?” That was a new one. I’ve been to many different job interviews in my 87 years on Earth, but never have I heard that one. Spirit animal shit is so five years ago, but I answered “Snoopy” without hesitation.

It made the guy laugh. I can always make the guy laugh. It’s one of my superpowers and the reason no one who wears a tie takes me seriously, thank God.

But he thought Snoopy was a funny answer, even though I was dead serious. He thanked me genuinely for coming in and then hired someone else.

His loss. I would’ve worked for minimum wage without whining about it and showed up on time every single day I was scheduled. I am nothing if not reliable. And when I took the pencil out from behind my ear and set to work in my own manner, any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, would be entirely coincidental, because this is a work of fiction you’re reading, don’t you know.