The Malfunctioning of America

The purpose, as we all know, of a study is to give an agenda the appearance of scientific authority. Grant money must be justified, and the giver of the grant appeased. In this day and age a study is a form of marketing, a pretty good one, and certainly better than a commercial.

A number of studies over the past few years have revealed that depression is affecting pre-school children at higher rates than previously thought. Conducted by the likes of Washington University School of Medicine, Magellan Behavioral Health (the leading mental health provider in the United States), and the American Journal of Psychiatry, these various and sundry investigations have uncovered a very large, very young market, at present virtually untapped for psychiatric drugs and counseling services.

This, of course, is good news for the economy. It’s certainly good news for Eli Lilly & Company, makers of Prozac and Cymbalta. It’s also good news for Pfizer, makers of Zoloft. When these anti-depression meds aren’t busy causing suicidal thoughts and behaviors in depressed people, they’re busy fighting them. An uptick in sales will mean what it always means in giant American corporations: an increase in stock value, as well as bigger bonuses and salaries for millionaire executives.

To be sure, the legal drug lords will have to come up with a different delivery system for their junk. Sterile pills, even those painted in bold primary colors, will simply not go down well with the under-5 set. Perhaps chewables are the answer–sweet, delicious, candy-like chewable anti-depressant meds shaped like beloved cartoon characters, or, even better, yummy, syrupy liquids in a variety of fruity flavors sure to please even the most somber of little ones.

Still, I can’t help but think of the poor worried mother, made even more worried by the news that the apple of her eye and fruit of her loom could be suffering from dreaded depression. I can see her over-thinking her child’s every behavior as she sits on the couch, chewing her fingernails and letting the tv tell her what to think.

And think of little Jordan. Now his senseless spinning in circles and resulting dizziness and laughter will be viewed as self-medication, the struggle of a depressed person going it alone without the help of government-endorsed drug use and/or costly therapy. It’s gateway behavior as well, unfortunately. The spinning in circles will lead to playing hide-and-seek, watching cartoons, listening to music, and finally to less socially acceptable methods, possibly even (shudder the thought) to hooch and slatterns.

On the one hand, it’s a very sad thing that so many young Americans are malfunctioning, but on the other it sure is good for business. The billions these mental health care providers earn are justly deserved, however. After all, they’re providing us with something we’ve never really had before: mental health.

So I guess I’d like to thank those tireless researchers who worked their hairy little butts off discovering so many depressed toddlers. If not for them, this lucrative market may have remained unexploited forever, thereby damaging the precious American economy. I want to thank them also for not only discovering, but wiping out Restless Leg Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and any other disease defined entirely by symptoms and without any scientifically verifiable physical reality. It’s pretty amazing how they can unearth ailments no one knew existed a few weeks, months, or years ago and cure them, all at the same time.

GlaxoSmithKline holds a special place of honor among them, however, for giving the world a drug, Biotene, which combats the dry mouth that can be caused by taking so many absolutely necessary medications. Why, without it what ever would we do? Drink fucking water?




About Michael Kindt

Michael Kindt lives in the Black Hills of South Dakota. He has determined to die there. Soon, probably. Books by Kindt:

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