Alabama Drafts New Version of Jesus

In light of the Paris attacks, Governor Robert Bentley announced on November 15th he is refusing Syrian refugees in Alabama. Along with this announcement, the entire state of Alabama agreed upon a final ink to paper redrafting of one of the main characters in their favorite divine document, The Bible.

They aim to rewrite the main character in the leading southern religion, Christianity, the weird socialist Jew named Jesus. Though the book was dictated by god himself, the character was physically penned by disciples who look like the middle-eastern types causing all this trouble. On blogs, social media sites and apps, and news forums, Alabama citizens refer to the decision as a gut instinct move powered by a not racist but truly heartfelt general distrust of people of color or dark features with any ties to the Muslim religion.

In the new version of The Bible, Jesus is a money lovin’ nationalist who believes solely in the power and benevolence of the free market. He’ll roam small town America exclusively recruiting civilized assimilated non-union workers. His new workforce will be pro-free market and anti-minimum wage. Through a ninety hour work week and the abolishment of overtime, he’ll release the shackles of charitable responsibilities, socialist programs, and big government for a more noble toil of collecting monetary value and assets to flush back into the market which at some point will trickle up or down and empower those with nothing but their boot straps to pull themselves up. With this Jesus, the themes of empathy, eternal love, forgiveness will be replaced with personal production evaluations, free land tax for corporations moving to the state, and quarterly credit evaluations to determine eligibility for economic relocation to cleaner or “more ethnic” districts in the state.

Under the clearer, more streamlined teachings of our Alabama savior, citizens will opt out of a sound public education that would theoretically give them the intellectual utility and functional knowledge to empower themselves outside of a monetized education system in the free market; which is indeed infallible. Alabama experts say with less books to read and thoughts to think, citizens can focus on production and further developing their paper thin job security in the privatized sector.

Key Jesus quotes in the moral lexicon of our great state will only be slightly altered; such as:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” will now be, “Here’s a new work order. I will now employ you. Love your economic mobility. As it has entitled you, you must compete for it.”

“Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone.” will now be, “Don’t bring a stone to a gunfight. Dead men can’t judge me.”

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” will now be, “If you want to be perfect, go, buy more possessions and shame the poor. There’s a different heaven for poor people. Obviously if you’re rich, heaven will have to be better because you’re accustomed to better stuff as it was in your physical form. Poor people just need clean water, ramen, and “love” to be happy. I think their heaven is a blood bank truck parked in front of a Wal-Mart with clean bathrooms. I’m not sure though, I never been there. I’m Jesus.”

“All the commandments: You shall not commit adultery, you shall not kill, you shall not steal, you shall not covet, and so on, are summed up in this single command: You must love your neighbor as yourself.” will now be, “All the commandments: You shall not commit adultery, you shall not kill, you shall not steal, you shall not covet, and so on, are summed up in this single command: Love only yourself and your country will prosper.”

Jesus’s origin story will be slightly altered in a venue and continental change in the Nativity scene; from a manger in Bethlehem of Jerusalem to a barn in Scottsboro, Alabama at an early George Wallace political campaign speech during his 1962 run for governor of Alabama.

Due to the ethnic implications of the name Jesus, his name will be changed to Bobby Earle Bentley.

A more detailed list of changes will be released as soon as more Alabama citizens get around to actually reading The Bible.