The Smilers: A Horror Story About Happy People By Drew Chial
“That’s not your face.”
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Skinwalker Ranch
“Perhaps one of the most chilling accounts came from Tom about a curious visitor to the ranch who wished to meditate on his land. “
Am I Lame As Fuck for Liking Hillary Now?
“I know so many people who hate Clinton as much as I hated my old government job.”
I’ve Become Radicalized
“America, and by that I mean the United States because America is much bigger and full of non-US residents, was never great, but these kids deserve to grow up in a place that’s less divisive, less stupid, less racist and sexist and homophobic. “
No, You’re Not Crazy For Considering Voting For Trump
“Cue the left-leaning bloggers with their tired cries of, ‘No, but it does make you sexist and racist!!’ or ‘Yeah but makes you an idiot.’ It’s a hackneyed argument, folks…”
Christian Slater and James Franco Play Gay Porn Moguls in King Cobra
“NO LITTLE BITCHES!”
A COLLAPSE OF HORSES BY BRIAN EVENSON GIVES STEPHEN KING A RUN FOR HIS MONEY
“What’s remarkable about these stories is Evenson’s ability to turn familiar, mundane things into objects of terror.”
The Final Flight of Cher by Mame Bougouma Diene
“Cher glides with the grace of an ovulating swan and the purity of the Virgin Mary!”
Selling Books at Brooklyn Book Fest
“I’ve experienced a lot of diverse literary events but Brooklyn Book Festival has always been one of my favorites.”
Love Your Ugly Literary Exes
“Here’s the thing about reading: some motherfuckers bring in “coolness” into the equation and ruin it for the rest of us.”
HALLOWEEN SUBMISSIONS CALL
“CLASH wants your creepy stories!”
Huldufólk: Hunting for the Fey in Iceland by J.C. Drake
“So. I’ll just say it. Elves. Is it true that you all really believe in them?”
SOMEONE ELSE’S BIG BREAK: AN ESSAY BY DANGER SLATER
“Hey, so I was wonderin’, do you think I can maybe get backstage?”
The French Girl Who Loved Birds
“Look, I’ve read a great French author named Marquis de Sade. 120 Days of Sodom. So I know what’s up.”
NICK CAVE: ONE MORE TIME WITH FEELING
“Devastating, surreal, stylistic, and beautiful, One More Time with Feeling is the story of a man bleeding out, who takes the time to scrawl out a final goodbye.”
BEAST
“Every night he asks me the same question. “Will you sleep with me?”
SHORT STORY SATURDAY: WAX-MAN
“Screams filled the kitchen of the frat house.”
KING RIPPLE: INDIE HORROR PACKS A BIG PUNCH
“What starts as a dare among friends, becomes an encounter with the otherworldly, the horrific.”
The Top Five Books That Are Better Than Anything You Could Ever Write, You Piece of Shit Wannabe Writer
“There will always be people better than you. Some of them will always be better than you. Some are so far ahead that you can’t possibly hold a candle to them.”
To be Young, Gifted, Black, and Broke in ‘Atlanta’
Atlanta is for us.
It shows what it is to be young, gifted, broke, and most importantly, Black.
I SAW ROB ZOMBIE’S 31 AND NOW MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE REGRET
“There’s a midget clown covered in swastikas that speaks Spanish, because why not?”
I Am Jack’s Unsung Heroine
“Fight Club is a story of a man’s journey to finally being able to commit to a woman”
BONED IS THE STRANGEST SWEET MOVIE YOU WILL SEE ALL YEAR
“BONED is a sexy, strange, and heartfelt story about fighting for what you love, no matter how insane the obstacles and how bizarre the stakes.”
WHY I DECIDED TO QUIT WRITING AND BECOME A KID ROCK FAN INSTEAD
“I know what you’re thinking: why Kid Rock? Why not Limp Bizkit or Uncle Kracker or some other horrible nü-metal band scraped out of the armpit of the late 90s?”
DC Mandingo Pizza Party
“Me and The DC Mandingos we got a gangbang going on tonight; it is with some old white woman in Bethesda. We’re gonna film it. You should come, man; there’s going to be pizza.”
Brian’s Girl
“I didn’t know who the hell this Brian guy was, but I did want to fuck her.”
Sam Bradford is Excited to Help The Vikings Go 8-8
“You ever watch them teen movies where the girl with glasses that acts like nerd becomes hot. I’m like the nerd girl of quarterbacks, but I ain’t ever going to get hot.”
Letter to Stephen King from The American Adverb Association
Let’s just say right off the bat that we are deeply disappointed! Yes, us! And yes, “deeply” is the right word—it works to show exactly how disappointed we are.
TRAGEDY QUEENS: STORIES INSPIRED BY LANA DEL REY AND SYLVIA PLATH
“TRAGEDY QUEENS is an anthology that brings together two powerful muses.”
Masturbation is Punishable by Toaster
“Single people are annoying and people in relationships are annoying.”
Don’t Breathe is the Best Film of the Summer
“So the best movie of the summer and maybe the best horror film of the year is about white kids in Detroit robbing a blind guy.”
If You Go Chasing Rabbits
“She rides that mushroom pole and flips upside down, with her legs spread high above her head. Her big blue eyes and red lips are innocence and corruption made flesh.”
Video Inferno
“The cameraman wore a black suit with white gloves and a shiny red shirt. A large, handheld video camera obscured his face. The lens pointed right at me.”
Enough of Food Trends: Let Pizza Die
“Food trends occur every couple of years and frankly, they’re pretty damn obnoxious. Why? Because you have thousands of people acting like they adore food products slightly more than they actually do and I just can’t take it!”
Top 10 Professional Athletes in Fraternity With Ryan Lochte
“I have two weapons; my arms, my legs, and my brain.”
Rex Ryan’s Foot Fetish Poem
“They’re fucking beautiful.
Size Five just like I like.
Better feet than Vinateri
has in the fourth quarter.”
An Absolutely True Ghost Story
“What I’m about to tell you is the most boring ghost story ever told. It’s boring because it’s true. Every word of it.”
SJW Poet’s New Chapbook is Written in Jay Sizemore’s Ashes
“Jay Sizemore writes such vile poems of trashbag hate…”
The Con Season: A Novel of Survival Horror
“The Con Season is a very fun and fucked up book that horror fans will love.”
The Shit the Bed Blues
“She looked at me and said, “You guys actually don’t suck. And you remind me of Billy Corgan, but with hair. Do you have any pot?”
Pounded in the Butt by Social Justice Warriors by Dingleberry Peckerwood
“Let me tell you why you hate SJWs so much: you hate them because you’re perfectly comfortable with things the way they are. “
Why Stephen Rogata is Saner Than His Detractors
“At approximately 3:30 pm Eastern Standard Time, Trump Tower was breached by a nineteen year old man with suction cups, a harness and rope, who proceeded to ascend the side of the scion’s stronghold until he was grabbed by Detective Christopher Williams.”
Top 10 Quotes About Your Ex By Netflix Original Series
“This is a going-away party. So, please: Go away.”
Shoot Your Shot (Writers Edition)
“It’s time we get up and shoot for something larger than ourselves.”
Top 10 Daily How-To’s By… The Suicide Squad
“The Joker would probably just say, ‘Fuck you,’ and hang up.”
‘Superman: Man of Tomorrow’ Pushed to Warner Bros. Forefront
“Warner Bros. has decided to move forward with the official sequel to Man of Steel, which a trusted CLASH insider is saying has been tentatively titled Superman: Man of Tomorrow.”
The Mutual Benefits of Collaboration
“It’s a relief to find someone you enjoy working with. Unfortunately sometimes the only way to know if you like working with someone is when you actually do it.”
The Joker is a Cuckold… What the Fuck?
“While the film was generally entertaining, it really offered some genuinely head scratching moments…”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘Suicide Squad’
“What did The Cinematologist think of David Ayer’s latest film and the newest entry into the DC Extended Universe?”
‘Suicide Squad’ – “The Helicopters Were Cool”
“When Suicide Squad was announced there was a lot of fanfare and excitement surrounding the project.”
The New Drew Magary Novel is Out
“The Hike is now out from Viking Press.”
Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s Rejected Self-Help Book Proposal
“DIRTY’S GUIDE TO CLEAN LIVING AND BROOKLYN ZOOING…”
The Problem With Police Brutality and Injustice
“Some people are making the whole police brutality crisis in the US look like it’s only a race problem, and I’m sorry but it’s not just a race problem. Racism is just a small part of the problem.”
Harley Quinn is Being Stripped of Her Agency – By Feminists
“There is an insisting that she be viewed as a happy-go-lucky victim who has endured a trauma and is trying to move on. But Harley Quinn isn’t a scrappy, underdog feminist hero – she’s Myra Hindley.”
A Twitter Guide for Authors
“Be human. People hate bots.”
‘I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday’ Trailer Lands Online
“This film looks dark and damn good.”
REVIEW: ‘The Killing Joke’ Misses the Mark
“Batman: The Killing Joke (directed by Sam Liu) is a film that, on paper, should have been dazzling and yet has found itself with a lack of support among fans and general audiences alike.”
DC PORN STORE BOOK CLUB: Anna Karenina
“Perv #2: So, who is this Anna Karenina bitch? Does she like the D?”
Top 10 Sophisticated, Smart & Strong Former First Ladies
“This week was inspired by Melania Trump’s (or should I say Michelle Obama’s) speech at the RNC. I wanted to remind readers of some of the more inspirational first ladies the United States has had.”
KarmaSutraSensei’s Dating Ad
“You must be amazing because karma has blessed you with finding me.”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘Lights Out’
“This week The Cinematologist takes a look at the viral video turned feature film Lights Out.”
First 7 Minutes of ‘Wizard’ Released Online
“The first 7 minutes of the upcoming UnHollywood Films/CLASH Media Production WIZARD (2017, directed by Jayme Karales) has been released online through the UnHollywood Films Vimeo channel.”
Ted Cruz is Gangsta as Fuck
“Ted Cruz decided that he really doesn’t give a fuck about Donald Trump or the Republican Party because they are some mark-ass bitches.”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘Ghostbusters’ (2016)
“After publicly speaking out against Ghostbusters and Paul Feig last week–which resulted in being blocked by the Ghostbusters director on Twitter–The Cinematologist is back this week with a review for the remake/reboot of the 1984 Ivan Reitman classic.”
Scientific Study of What Male Actions Cause the Most Vaginal Dryness
“Bad dancing skills at a club can make the coldness of the ice in her screwdriver or Bayberry Breeze travel all the way down to her vagina.”
Armageddon vs. ARMAGEDDON
“I enjoy a good, brain dead action film every now and then as much as the next guy.”
Interview with Phone Sex Actress/Author Jenny Ainsile-Turner
“Christoph Paul asks some tough questions to phone sex actress and author Jenny Ainsile-Turner
Jason Voorheesberg Reviews Juliet Escoria’s Witch Hunt
“Clash book reviewer and current art therapy patient and psychopath Jason Voorheesberg reviews Juliet Escoria’s new poetry collection Witch Hunt.”
“Batman in the Eighties”
An entire era of Batman in one comic strip.
The ‘Ghostbusters’ Reboot MUST Fail
“A vicious dialogue has erupted around the Ghostbusters reboot. This week The Cinematologist steps out of character to answer the question, can this kind of dialogue be encouraged?”
Top 10 US Presidential Quotes To Inspire Change
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”
We Do Not Live in Nazi Germany
“I’m a humanist and feel disconnected with the construct of your job being your identity. That’s capitalism. That’s what divides us. ‘Us vs. Them’ is not going to solve any issues.”
Paul Joseph Watson Is A Boring Milo Yiannopoulos
“What is it with conservative celebrities now having British accents? Are there no more talented conservative mouthpieces under 50 in America itself, that the right has to outsource them from across the pond?”
“America Was Never Great?” Paul Joeseph Watson Shuts That Down
“In his less-than-five minute tirade Watson does something very unique while presenting his case. He relies on facts, not feelings. A novel concept.”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘The Secret Life of Pets’
“Max (Louis C.K.) is a spoiled terrier who enjoys a comfortable life in a New York building until his owner adopts Duke (Eric Stonestreet), a giant and unruly canine.”
‘Patriots Day’ – Boston Bombing Film Poster Released
“Patriots Day is scheduled to open in limited release on Dec. 21 in New York, Los Angeles and Boston prior to its national release on Jan. 13.”
America Has Lost Its Touch
“The police cannot be trusted to not abuse their power. Our elected officials at be are failing to protect us. And we refuse to communicate with one.”
The Mystery of Hollow Places: YA Gets Dark
“Though the novel is heavy and chock-full of moments that ache, it isn’t without hope.”
Copywriting Service: Bullshit on the Spot
“Our ghost-writing services have also been used for top-notch public figures: Justin Bieber, Paula Deen, Jared Kushner, Johnny Manziel, Paul Ryan, Anthony Weiner, and many more!”
Max Landis Explains Everything Wrong with Social Media in Exactly 5 Minutes
“In less than five minutes Landis manages to unpack everything wrong with social media and the entitlement that comes with its whiny occupants.”
The Top 10 Most Profound American Thoughts by Homer Simpson
“Must eat more fat people. Thank God, I’m in America.”
Slim Jesus Will Be Speaking At The Republican Convention
“With an attempt to reach young people and please the donors of the NRA, The Republican Party will feature Slim Jesus speaking at their 2016 convention.”
Kevin Durant Announces He Will Only Play NBA 2K17 With Cheat Codes
“Durant declined to comment on why he chose cheat codes. Speculation says he could feel his fingers were not as flexible as they once were and the cheat codes could give him more time to focus on defense and passing.”
Dwyane Wade Wants to Feel Wanted
“When the Miami Heat offered him a 2-year deal with a 50% pay cut to play for ten million a year instead of his usual ten million, it was his pride more than his pocketbook that got hurt.”
Top 10 No Chill Quotes From Star Wars
“To celebrate fans both overreacting and jumping to conclusions over reshoots for the upcoming Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, due later this year, CLASH writer Amy Nguyen presents the Top 10 No Chill Quotes From Star Wars.”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘The Purge: Election Year’
“The Cinematologist is back and this week he’s reviewing the horror sequel The Purge: Election Year, released earlier this week.”
Happy Birthday Carlton Mellick |||!
“Happy birthday to the OG of Bizarro Fiction.”
Top 5 Friday Reads
“Top 5 books you should be reading.”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘The Conjuring 2’
“The Cinematologist is back and this week he’s reviewing the smash horror hit The Conjuring 2, released earlier this year.”
Have a Short Film or Web Series?
“We are currently accepting pitches and samples of scripted, self-produced short films and both scripted and unscripted web-series (currently airing or not) for online distribution.”
REVIEW: ‘The Face of Any Other’ is About Love, Being, Frustration, Obsession, Truth, and the Nature of Desire
“…With ‘The Face of Any Other’, Seidlinger starts at the new boundaries he’d previously set and rushes forward in a way that makes it clear he sees nothing but new ground in front of him.”
30 Years of Paddling Into The Void
“Life is about the long game. Avoid destructive narratives. Avoid delusions of grandeur. Be simple and aware.”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘Hardcore Henry’
“The Cinematologist is back and this week he’s reviewing the first-person, Sharlto Copley starring vehicle Hardcore Henry.”
REVIEW: ‘The Neon Demon’ Is The Best Movie No One Is Seeing
“An incredible stylistic masterpiece, Refn’s latest film combines a high fashion plot set in L.A. with a tale of what women will do for beauty, fame, and the lengths they’ll go to maintain their positions in the industry.”
The White Supremacist Werewolf Witches of Britain (Part 1)
“Mandy De Sandra exposes the truth behind Brexit.”
Big Brother Contestant Reminisces Over Animal Abuse
“Ah… animal abuse, good times! Good times!”
REVIEW – THE CINEMATOLOGIST: ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’
“CLASH Media is proud to present its new original series of movie reviews brought to you by Jacob A. Miller – The Cinematologist. Each week The Cinematologist will offer fresh takes on the latest films released in theaters.”
Bernie Sanders: “I’ll Probably Vote for Clinton” – #FeelTheBummer
“What the fuck is the point of voting Democrat if you’re voting for a moderate Republican in blue?”
Brexit: What Does It All Mean? Everything You Need to Know About The UK’s Fallout
“A lot of people have no clue why Europe is currently in a state of uproar and the only word people seem to be saying is “Brexit” so here’s a not-so-quick and easy-breezy explanation on the past 24 hours of chaos that has ensued…”
New Evolutionary Psychology Study Shows Men Who Send Sexual Private Messages on Facebook Are Least Likely To Reproduce
“The Evolutionary Psychology Department of Dartmouth published a peer-reviewed study on the sexual attractiveness and sexual experience of men who send Private Messages on Facebook. In the sample survey of the 1032 men selected, those who sent sexual messages and compliments to strangers were the least likely to reproduce.”
R-Rated ‘Batman v. Superman’ Coming to Theaters For One Night Only
“Today Warner Bros and DC Films announced that the R rated Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Ultimate Edition is coming to theaters across the country for one night only. “
REVIEW: ‘The Lobster’ is a Love Story That Will Make You Uncomfortable
“The soundtrack is amazing, the casting is perfect, and you kind of fall in love with Colin Farrell despite his serial killer mustache.”
Stop Kidding Yourselves, Michael Jackson Was a Fucking Creep
“And this new report proves it.”
Mega Huge Bizarro Fiction Reading at Sommerville Theater
“It is time to get weird New England.”
Top 10 Times Andy Dwyer Channeled Present Day Donald Trump
“They have more than a couple of things in common…”
Hannibal Buress Joins the Cast of ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’
“What the fuck?”
Brian Keene and The Buddy System Strikes Again!
“‘The Buddy System’ is the Illuminati of horror fiction”
New Brian Keene and Paul Tremblay Novels
“Brian Keene’s Pressure and Paul Tremblay’s The Disappearance at Devil’s Rock are both released today.”
Eli Roth is Remaking ‘Death Wish’ — Fuck Yes!
“Eli Roth + Death Wish Remake = We Are Fucking Excited”
Anton Yelchin Dead at Age 27
“Star Trek and Green Room actor Anton Yelchin was found dead earlier this morning in an unusual car accident.”
The Cavs vs. Warriors Game Will Decide The 2016 Election
“If the Cavs win Donald Trump has no chance to win the election. He needs Ohio and West Pennsylvania citizens to be as miserable as possible to give him any hope of becoming president.”
After Orlando, The Left Has Begun to Implode
“I just can’t get over how insane Leftists are in this country. They’re the gift that keeps on giving.”
Charles “Chug Life” Donaldson’s Moby Dick Paper
“Moby Dick was way too long and talked way too much about whales (like, real ones, not the chicks in Alpha Phi), but it had an awesome theme I could relate to—brotherhood”
Top 10 Moments When Television Celebrated the Joys of Being Single
“Please, don’t kill me, I’m not married! My life is awesome!”
Danny Brown: The Return of the Adderall Admiral
“When It Rain is one of those rare videos that’s hard to forget and makes you realize Danny Brown can’t be put into a box.”
‘Big Brother 18’ Cast Revealed – Several Returnees Cut
“Which returnees made the cut and which were scrapped?”
Donald Glover Joins the Cast of ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ As Not Spider-Man
This move reeks of predictable Sony pandering. Too cowardly to nix their racist policy and make Spider-Man black, but still wanting to appear “progressive” and be well liked.
Tuesdays With Morrie
“There are certain stains that can’t be justified in my life. I let an old man tug at my dick for a hundred bucks, and I slapped his cheeks and came over his face, and felt good, and bought an eighth and some Xanax.”
Top 10 Quotes From The Rock to Say to Your Subordinates
“You think you impress the Rock? Let The Rock make something perfectly clear to you. You have never, and The Rock means never, impressed The Rock.”
Kevin Love Poem
“Being a really tall and muscular white boy is better than being in a boy band in the late 90’s”
Two Sides of the Same Coin
“I would like for people to see that when you criticize a religion, you are talking about an idea, a concept. But if you extend your criticism to all religious people, then it’s discrimination.”
A Robot Writes The Room 2 in Space
Did a robot just write a spiritual sequel to The Room in space?
Santa Sangre: An Appreciation
“Where other films would shy away from the weird or cut away before things get ugly, Jodorowsky grabs the viewer by the collar and drags them into the thick of it.”
Vine Star Baked Alaska Releases “Make America Great Again” Anthem
“Vine sensation Baked Alaska has decided to release an anthem the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump.”
The Top 10 Best Friends in TV History
“It’s national best friend day. Here is a list to capitalize on this and bring more traffic to this site.”
A Perfect-Length Think Piece on Rape
“Rape is fucking wrong.”
MFA vs NYC Video Game Coming Soon
“In exciting publishing and video game news, the video game MFA vs NYC is now in post-production.”
Not Another Arthouse Corpse: Why House of 1000 Corpses Still Matters Today
“It’s not hard to see it as a pioneering piece of genre cinema.”
An Open Letter to Catcallers
“Dear assholes, You know those things you say to women in the streets? Yeah, you have to cut that out. Seriously.”
10 Relatable Jennifer Lawrence Quotes To Get You Through Your Day
“I hate saying, ‘I like exercising’ — I want to punch people who say that.”
Top 10 Job Interview Answers by the X-Men
“You know, outside the circus, most people were afraid of me.”
A List of Things That Don’t Make You A Writer
“Owning a laptop… Going to a coffee shop… Having a cat…”
5 of the Weirdest Things Guys Have Said to Me During Sex
“Your pussy kind of smells like lemons…”
Standing Up to Bad Wedding Toasts
“People study for college finals and job interviews so the lack of effort and preparation to adequately pay tribute to the bride and groom is puzzling.”
And Then There Were Three: Brief Thoughts on the 2016 Political Field
“Democrat or Republican, we can all agree that some things are amiss this year…”
Philosophy of The Chainsaw Swanson: Why ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ Is The Greatest Vietnam War Film Ever Made
“What is your favorite Vietnam War film, a good friend of mine asked me today. I took a moment and thought about it and answered The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
After We Destroy ‘Ghostbusters’, Let’s Go Burn Down Julia Roberts’ House!
“We shouldn’t stop at Ghostbusters. We aren’t misogynists or racists, we are film lovers. We want purity.”
Time to Cancel ‘The Daily Show’ – Trevor Noah Fucking Sucks
“It’s time to make a move, Comedy Central.”
Top 10 James Bond Quotes To Say At A Strip Club
“I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
The (More or Less But Probably Less True) Autobiographical Events that Happened to Me on Thursdays at 1:17 p.m.
“I decided to take a look back at the key moments in my life that happened at that exact minute through the years.”
The Watchmen Are Officially Joining The Rest of the DCU
“In the coming weeks DC Comics is going to reveal that Alan Moore’s team of melancholy superheroes will be joining the canon DCU.”
Top 10 Words of Wisdom on Love from A-List Actors
“I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person, and when I become interested in something, I give it my all.”
The Real Issue With ‘Ghostbusters’ Isn’t Sexism, It’s Male Feminists
“Nobody has ever said, “This movie is going to suck because it stars four women.”
The Squishy Stories Vol. 2 Out Now
“Read a book, help Squishy.”
Mr. Robot Season 2 Trailer Looks Fantastic
“CLASH will be covering the new season.”
‘Blade’ Series Rumored For Netflix; Wesley Snipes May Return
“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.”
“George Lucas Interview Gone Wrong” is the New ‘Sad Affleck’
“YouTube editor and comedian Harrison Jeffs has edited, quite possibly, the most amusing video on the internet this week.”
‘Legion of Skanks’ Podcast Abandoning The Anthony Cumia Network
“Legion of Skanks will be relocating to the smaller, in-house network GaSDigital, run by Luis J. Gomez and Ralph Sutton. “
Top 10 Movie Quotes to Celebrate Democracy
“All men are created equal. No matter how hard you try, you can never erase those words.”
‘Green Room’ Is A Walk-Through in Real & Simulated Violence
“Green Room presents a stark depiction of brutal violence.”